Joke of the Day
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- BuddhaHat0
A woman says to her husband , "what would you do if I won lotto?"
He says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now F*CK off!"
- elahon0
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls
and they all perish.They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a male organ?She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'St. Peter asks the next girl the same question
'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well,
once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the
Holy Water and pass through the gate.'All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reachesthe front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'
- The_archer0
A few one-liners....
How do you get four old ladies to shout "F*ck"?
Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls.Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
- BuddhaHat0
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?""Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
- 200 on my own thread! WOO!!BuddhaHat
- Hahahahaha hahahaaaa!!!!janne76
- ahahaha looolbigtrickagain
- whhipp0
How can you tell you are at a gay BBQ?
- ›››whhipp
- Hot Dogs taste like Shit!whhipp
- hmm... kinda belongs here:
http://www.qbn.com/t…PonyBoy
- Beac8oy0
a dyslexic walks in to a bra...
- bigtrick0
For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS. It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin. At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari. They go for about a million and a half."
The old guy is shocked: "That's a lot of moolah. Why do they cost so much?"
The cool young dude says proudly, "Because these babies can do 320 miles an hour!"
The gent on the Moped asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," responds the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window, and peers around.
Leaning back on his Moped, the old guy says, "That's a pretty nice car!"
Just then, the red light turns green, so the young producer decides to floor it. Within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror, which seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it might be, and whoooooosh! Something whips by him, at an incredible velocity.
The young guy is nonplussed: "What on earth could be faster than my car?!" Then, ahead of him, he sees the same dot, coming back. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It almost looks like the old man on the Moped.
"Couldn't be," mumbles the producer to himself. "How could a Moped outrun my Ferrari?!" Again, the blasted dot appears in his mirror. Whoooooosh! Ka-boooom! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young guy jumps out, and it IS the old fellow!
Of course, the Moped and its driver are hurtin' bad, so the Hollywood producer kneels down by him and says, "You're seriously injured - is there anything I can do for you?"
The old guy moans, "Yes... unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
- hubb7designs0
Q: What's the best part of having sex with 29 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them!
- should be 'twenty nine' not 29.BusterBoy
- I think your supposed to say "twenty nine".CygnusZero4
- monoboy0
Three men are drinking in the bar at the top of the Emirates Park Hotel. The first one says, 'did you know that the thermal updraft outside is strong enough to keep you in the air for hours'?
That's bullshit says the second bloke, prove it. So the first bloke leaps out of an open window, circles the building and flies straight back in through the same window.
Wow, says the second bloke. I've got to try that. So he puts his drink down, runs up to the window and leaps out and plummets all 77 floors to his death.
Third man turns to the first, 'Superman, you're a right cunt when you're drunk'.
- hans_glib5
A man wanders down the street at 2am, cigarette and booze in hand. The police stop him and ask why he is outdoors. “I’m going to a lecture,” he says. The police ask what sort of lecture and he says: “It’s on smoking and drinking.” They ask who could be giving that sort of talk at that time of the night. The man breezes past and says: “My wife.”
- colatote0
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey guy, we got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You got a drink named Murray?"
- rootlock5
The Russian army is marching into Finland
They hear a faint voice from the other side of a snowbank: One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers.
The Russain general sends 10 soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet.
The voice then whispers, one Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russian soldiers. The Russian general sends 100 Russian soldiers.
There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than 1000 Russian soldiers.
The Russian general then sends 1000 Russian soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence.
Soon after a bloodied Russian soldier crawls over the snowbank and screams his last breath: GENERAL! do not send more troops! it's a trap! there are two Finnish soldiers!
- Ramanisky20
A salesman goes up to a house
and knocks on the front door.It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
- bliznutty0
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said. 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me - plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone ... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
- rofl__TM
- ahahahaarmsbottomer
- hahahahahahaCoffeemaker
- £O£dMullins
- Recycling already? This is from page 2 or 3 or something...Lillebo
- janne760
I called the Rape Advice Line today... Unfortunately it was only for victims.
- ApeRobot-1
- chossy0
how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb two one to change the bulb and the other to suck my dong yo!.
- mistermik0
My son came home from school looking all excited.
"I got an B on my reading test," he told me.
"That's a fucking D, you wee prick" I replied.