Christmas Cracker Jokes 08
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- uncle_helv
I"ll start...
Q: What's a specimen?
A: An Italian astronaut
- set0
Q. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
A. The outside.
- mistermik0
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low 'elf' esteem.
- Nairn0
Ok, I hate admitting shit like this (and I'll use as my excuse that I've just got up, having got to sleep at 8am), but I don't get that first one.
- Imagine saying spaceman in a stereotypical italian accent??!
*gets cloak, leaves threaduncle_helv - the word spaceman said with italian accent,mistermik
- oh this doesn't require more than one explanationmistermik
- *groan* In my defence - I can't imagine Italians talking like that.Nairn
- What, haven't you seen the Dolmio advert Nairn, that's a how they all a talk-a!!!uncle_helv
- Imagine saying spaceman in a stereotypical italian accent??!
- kezza_20
Q: Why was 9 scared of 7?
A: Because 7,8,9
- mimeartist_limited0
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
- big crackermimeartist_limited
- thats not from a cracker surelykezza_2
- how big are your crackers?mistermik
- i'd prefer not to answer that!mimeartist_limited
- boom tish. I'll set em up....mistermik
- Hahahah, made me laugh anyway.Horp
- kezza_20
Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.
- kezza_20
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
- kezza_20
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.
- uncle_helv0
Q: How do you make a bear cross?
A: Nail two together!!rasko told that one a few years ago, still works IMO!!!
- kezza_20
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
- kezza_20
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
- kezza_20
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.
- kezza_20
and my personal favourite....
What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.
- kezza_20
WHAT happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy?
He made a laughing stock of himself.
- kezza_20
WHY is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
They have two left feet.
- mistermik0
Q. What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
A. It got gobbled!
- kezza_20
WHY did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate!
- kezza_20
WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!
- kezza_20
A MAN goes to see his Doctor and says: "Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom."
The Doctors takes a look and replies: "That's only the tip of the iceberg."
- uncle_helv0
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean- that is awful... doesn't even make sense!mimeartist_limited
- Bournville isn't sweet for one thing!mimeartist_limited
- Hey, I never said they were gonna be good!!! :Duncle_helv