more shit scottish jokes.
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- mistermik
this is new too me.
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Bloke turns up at Glasgow Western Infirmary Casualty department with his wife.
The lady wife has a broken jaw, two black eyes and a broken nose.
The attending Doctor asks "What's happened here?"
Wee Shuggy says "She's goin' through the change Doctor."
Doctor says "These aren't the symptoms of a Woman going through the change."
Shuggy replies "They are if it's in ma back fuckin' pocket"
- dearhead0
sad that glasgow has become the trash of the universe.
- kelpie0
"become"??
- cosmicEntity0
I blame Braveheart
- chossy0
Some Scots lassies at a ladies empowerment class were talking about their men and it was decided that they would get their men to do some housework and compare notes next week, well the first lady said after asking her man for help with some chores on day one he was ok and did a little dishes on day two he was great did some dishes and tidied the living room, on day three he was amazing and did everything that was asked of him, the second lassie said she asked for some help with the chores and after day three the swelling round her right eye had gone down enough for her sight to have come back.
- 23kon0
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funny advert from a wee while back.gotta love the "OI Lavvi-heid, you're gettin' it!" at the end.
wonder if that was in the script or just happened. hehe
- 23kon0
FAIL
- _niko0
I remember an old commercial, possibly whisky that had a Scottish guy hopping around on one foot, something about they're so cheap that they don't want to scuff both shoes. wish i had the vid.
- chossy0
Hell yeah copper wire was invented by two scots fighting over a penny.
- Greedo0
My dad used to tell me this one about some tourists climbing up to some really remote scottish castle on a mountaintop, it's mid-summer, a bit hot, and the tourists get all sweaty. They get to the castle, the owner, a proper scot in kilt and full gear receives them warmly, invites them in. He sits them down and asks: "Would you like some refreshment?" The tourists nod eagerly and the scot goes over and opens the window.
- gramme0
|:|
- _niko0
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
- _niko0
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
- Jnr_Madison0
Pablo walks into McDonalds and says, 'I could have any girl in here'. The server guy says 'how', 'I'm a pedo' says pablo.
- monoboy0
What's the difference between an onion and a set of bagpipes?
- Nobody cries when you chop up a set of bagpipes.
- 7point340
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
- Mal0
- Greedo0
dunno, except for the wife-beating ones, scots seem to be a pretty clever bunch...
- FUCK YOUGreedo
- HOW DARE YOU!7point34
- INDEED HOW DARE YOU FUCK MEchossy
- LIES!Jnr_Madison