Jokes please boredom setting in!
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- Andys81
Your best, funniest and worst jokes if you please, before I fall asleep at my desk!
- elahon0
Not really a joke, but quite funny nonetheless:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?Judge # 3 - No Report
- ********0
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he needed a poo
- ********0
blonde walks into bar and orders a beer. barman says: "Anheuser-Busch?"
blonde says: "tis fine, thanks. And hows yer cock?"
- Ramanisky20
what happened to the Jewish fella who walked into a wall with a boner?
he broke his nose
- Baskerville0
Ramanisky2:
From QBN Broadcast Protocol:
6.Expressing negative opinions and/or statements regarding any or all of the following; religion, sexual preference, nationality, race, social status
- ********0
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down, and take out a couple of sandwiches.
The waitress comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here!"
So the lawyers exchange sandwiches.
- ********0
What do you call a poor black jewish homosexual playing the piano?
A pianist.
- gramme0
elahon, hilarious!! Where did you find that?
- gramme0
Need more jokes extended holding pattern setting in...
- reshetniak0
What's the difference between a quickie and a yankie?
You can have a yankie by yourself
- elahon0
It was a forward from my uncle a couple of weeks ago. He sends out mass-email jokes every so often. =)
>>>Where did you find that?
gramme
(Mar 13 07, 09:50)
- Concrete0
A pianist.
Crouwel
(Mar 13 07, 09:07)I just laughed my schmuck off!
- kinetic0
did you hear that rosie odonnel drowned?
they found her face down in riki lake
- emecks0
for teh ukers:
Jade Goody has been stabbed in her own home by an intruder:
Ma Shetty.
- ********0
What do you call agay chick-pea?
A homousexual.
- blaw0
lol @ riki lake.