Pure JOKE thread -
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- kidswift-
I need some today so get em up. This ones been round our office today.
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years
ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ag "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the
two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."
- Baskerville0
Not a written joke but some stand-up about what a joke-stealing bastard Joe Pasquale is by Stewart Lee, so funny:
- v3nt0
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
- -sputnik-0
An elderly woman decided to place a personal ad in a senior citizen flyer at her "Active Adults Community":
'MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON'.On the second day her doorbell rang. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled and said, "Well, therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"But...you don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled and said, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Well...are you still good in bed?"
The old man just leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
THE WEDDING IS SCHEDULED FOR SATURDAY
- blaw0
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
- -sputnik-0
lol blaw!!
- ghandolf0
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
- PPirate0
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
- ********0
From todays popbitch.
What do you call a paraplegic in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
- CP120
I was peeing in the corner this morning and i saw my refl3ction in the puddle...
it was a web 2.0 moment.
- mg330
When driving down a lonely road, a thief discovers a crashed car, and after inspecting it he finds two dead nuns inside. What does he steal from them?
Their virginity.
- sander0
CP12 that is hilarious!!!
- CP120
only on this site would anyone ever, ever get that web 2.0 joke. Thats why I love this place.
- KevinTx0
So a guy walks into a bar with a newt, says to the bartender "This is my pet, his name is Tiny."
Bartender asks "Why did you name him Tiny?"
"Because he is my newt."
BUNNDUMP-CHUMMMMMMM
- ghandolf0
A baby seal walks into a club.....
No,...
that's it.