the look of a killer
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- kingjulien
Warning: This is way too long for you to read unless you want to be drenched in existential angst
------------------------------One night as I was crossing the street with my laundry, I heard a disturbance at the liquor store. This was in North Oakland. Wild Turkey, this Paul Bunyon of a man who always wore a blue flannel, was yelling racial taunts at Kaz, the Afghani store owner. This was a time when I found myself always in the middle of such things--trying to be the good samaritan--and of course, when they began to exchange blows, I was the one trying to pull them apart. In just over 2 minutes I caught one good blow to the head, and found myself swinging from Wild Turkey's massive shoulders trying to prevent further damage.
From the laundry came Uncle Buck, a former Black Panther, and Piggie, his toothless Chris Rock-in- New Jack City assistant, to help. When the calm was restored, the first thing Uncle Buck said to me was, "What the hell were you doing swinging from that giant's shoulders?"
When the police arrived, Wild Turkey, who was as drunk as could be, glanced at me as he was telling his tales of woe: how his wife had left him that morning, which caused him to get drunk, which caused him to get fired, which led to even more alcohol consumption, which then turned into him crashing his new truck, all in the span of 12 hours. Here was this man beaten and he just needed to lunge out at someone, and for a moment, despite my cuts and scrapes, as I saw the glint in his eyes, I felt bad for him.
Yesterday I cleaned out my mom's basement in lieu of a garage sale she's having this weekend. I threw out 20 years of scraps from my life, old newspaper clippings, autographed Jim Rice photos, the terrible collages that I made in art school (and spent way too much money on getting framed, thinking they were good), and all the letters my dead grandfather wrote me as a child. I literally cleaned out my closet--which felt good in the sense of removing the clutter from my life, but was also tinged with a horrible sense of sadness. I felt like an era ended, and it made me want to drink.
So i did, and I became that angry drunk for the first time in my life. I lashed out at people at the bar, I talked shit to my ex-gf who has her own problems to deal with, I came here and ripped into some guy who i thought was a jackass but really turned out pretty cool, I tried to be funny but came across like an ass, and now, as my headache is splitting the frontal orb of my feeble brain, I'm left to scan the horizon, searching for the damage I caused, and it's not pretty.
Recently I was sure I didn't know much about the world, but ah, I knew Wild turkey, and I knew Kaz, who had to go home to his kids with a fresh shiner, and I know my grandfather, who worked his ass off to provide this comfortable existence that I'm doing nothing with, and I know me, and that knowledge of self makes me want to freeze the world and take a hammer and smash the fuckin thing to pieces, and that urge is perhaps the saddest thing ever.
- canuck0
ace ;)
- grafholic0
i want to say something, but i can't, in a way i relate so much, in other way i know my words will mean nothing.
maybe a hug could mean something however.
so,
*hug*
- iDp0
Beautiful...man I love your stories.
- opiate0
u got it. With your ears pinned back as the light graces your shadow through tiny craks in the door. Run with it.
- gerbert0
You're a good writer, and a good person for helping out the store owner. I look forward to reading more of your stuff sometime.
- kingjulien0
thank you, and yes, i need a hug, or 4 ibuprofen and the whole bright eyes catalog...
- mogwai0
hahaha. i just could never imagine myself lashing out at people in a bar. thats classic (and a funny mental image).
i know the sadness you speak of.
something that happens when you are in your 30's i think.'in lieu of'... doesn't that mean instead of, in the place of?
- spendogg0
As you feel the throb of your lobes and you can tell when the water between your brain and skull are at low tide, examine the world as an antpile being destroyed and rebuilt the same day.
If that doesn't work, drink more.
- kingjulien0
Yeah, when your barstool tips over as you're telling some thugged out Mexican biker with tats that you'll bang his gf if he doesn't shut up, and the guy just laughs in "lieu" of shanking you as his lady winks, it's time to reevaluate a few things.
- swollenelbow0
get over it, go out with somebody else.
- Gorbie0
though i don't think your apology is necessary... your tales from the Town are always welcome.
peace in your hood.
--
Fri, 6/17/05
Low Flying Owls,
The Proles,
and Spider Silk DressCesar Chavez Plaza
5:30, $FREE, all agesLow Flying Owls have a new album coming Fall 2005. Warm-up before nation
- kingjulien0
Gorbie, I'm down. In fact, if you're around this Saturday, Frank Jordan is playing at Old Ironsides, and they're sweet too. I'll email you later...
- todelete__20
could have been worse.
when i was 20 just about everything bad that could happen to a guy was happening to me. i was broke, my girl left me for my best friend and most of our mutual friends chose their side. i was left with nothing.
so one night i went to a party 2 towns over, i'll be damned if she showed up. fuck, i didn't even know she knew anyone there. she started a fight about something or other so i split. i drove about a block to a park and sat and drank myself stupid. the more i drank the madder i got. at about 2am i drove home and for some reason thought the faster i drove the better i'd be. well, lost control around a turn and hit a large tree about a foot in on the bumper on the left hand side of the truck, flipping it on its top and rolling it a few times into a field.
i lost more than my teeth that night from the steering wheel. never again have i ever let myself lose control like that. daily when i look into the mirror at fake teeth it's a reminder of what could have been, and it makes me feel blessed for all that i have because of it.
king, as bad as you may think you got it, someone, somewhere has it way worse. once you look at all the shit you have that really matters, not your money, your car, your computer.... look at the stuff that really matters and.... ya know. fuck balls. i lost my train of thought. i just started daydreaming about that night and i'll be mad fucked if i have no idea where i was going with that. shit. nevermind.
whatever you were saying let me just post the typical nt response...
lol.
- kingjulien0
kona, i've never been great at expressing emotions to people, let alone to other men, and i'm not about to start now, but you're brilliant.
- todelete__20
eh. it was going someplace until i started to remember that night. a few more inches to the middle of the truck and i would have stuck into the tree instead of flipping around it. they said most likely instead of me being pushed up and over in the seat glancing off the steering wheel shattering my teeth i would have been thrust into it smashing my internal organs. still to this day that night scares me.
so anyways. tonight i'm driving downtown to see mg33 and we're gonna get shitfaced and play indy 500 on the drive home.
haha. jk.
- Point50
man. I don't know what to say to any of this. I just woke up from a nap.
maybe everyone should take a nap.
- ricstultz0
good words kj... I know that sadness. Sometimes I get it from a moment that just passed 5 minutes ago. It fuels great creative fires.
I pissed off everyone I love one night in a drunken rage... I was calling people just to say "leave me alone"... we all lose control sometimes. Thats human tho. everyone forgave me... sometimes all we need is forgiveness.