Joke
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- ********0
there is this very old joke thread somewhere in the db... it has over 150 jokes i believe..
do a search for joke.. or something..
or "tell me a joke"
can't remember the title..
- blackspade0
hehe like the rollerblading one, hahaha
- rasp0
3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
a man streaks past them showing them his penis
all the sweet old grannies are shocked
one had a stroke
but the other two couldnt reach
- ********0
A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money and she knows she is just a trophy wife.
She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. I'm leaving you," she says.
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"
"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She quickly then pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said; "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
- ********0
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
- ********0
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me, bitch! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'
- ********0
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
- ********0
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
- ********0
enough, get the rest here: http://sickjokes.about.com/
- yabyum0
What did the mother say to Micheal Jackson at the beach?
Excuse me, your in my sun.
Hello? . . . is this thing on? . . .hello?
- -kappa-0
A turtle is in an alley way and he just been mugged by 3 snails.
When the police officer askes him what happened?
His reply is, "I don't know it all happened so quickly."
:-)
- scarabin0
what has two legs and bleeds?
half a puppy.
- thinkmule0
be prepared..this is awful....
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer for me, and one for the road."6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ...
A fish
- ********0
a guy is watching tv when he hears a knock on his door. he answers the door and no one is there; he looks down on the ground and there's a snail so he throws it into the street.
three years later the guys watching tv again and there's another knock. he goes to the door and the snail says 'what the hell did you do that for?'-as told by juddy anderson
- ********0
Two men were sitting in the pub.
One man turns to the other and says, "I'm having the best sex of my life at the moment - I've just started shagging these twins."
The other man says, "Really, how can you tell them apart?"
The first man replies, "Oh, her brother's got a moustache!"
Stimuli
(dec 22 03)
- ********0
computerlove
hotel
(jan 22 04):D :D :D
- hotel0
a guy goes to play golf one day on his own. after a scout round the club house he finds another guy on his own who agrees to have a round with him. a few holes down the line, the first guy asks the other what he does for a living.
"im a hitman" he replies.
"no way!" says the other guy disbelievingly
"sure am! and heres my gun to prove it"
he pulls a long sleek looking rifle from his golf bag with a massive scope on the top.
"have a look through there" he tells the first guyhe takes the gun and looks around the horizon
"hey, i can see my house.... hey i can see my bedroom window... hey i can see my naked wife... AND MY NAKED NEIGHBOUR!"shocked and upset at his betraying wife and freind, he instructs the hitman to do his work.
"how much do you charge?" he asks"one thousand pounds a bullet"
"right, my wifes a right nag, so shoot her in the mouth. my neighbours a wanker, shoot his dick off!"
"okay then...."
and he takes aim, and waits, and waits and waits and waits..."what are you doing?" asks the first man.
the hitman replies.
"hang on mate, im trying to save you a grand here!"
- frankosonik0
What did one breast say to the other?
"We better get some support around here before people start thinking we're nuts."