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Out of context: Reply #74991

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  • autoflavour6

    Laying here at 3 am, jet lag forbidding sleep and thoughts of life choices tormenting me. After 3 weeks in Germany am acutely aware of past lives ending and the distance of family especially for my wife. In this sleep limbo am feeling a distinct sense of limbo in my life, between what we have and what we had .. the past is long gone and even revisiting Berlin there was a strong sense of visiting a memorial to a time past. The hardest part was going to our old hood and having my 12 year old start weeping uncontrollably.. he was 6 when we left but there is a sadness in him I can’t relate to. For him it was half his life, the part where all his aunts and uncles where only a 3 hour train ride away.. and while when I ask him if he would want to move back he says no, he likes his new life in Australia, the disconnect from the rest of his family is real.

    Going back to Berlin was sad in a lot of ways, most of our friends have left and the ones who remain were about to leave or probably should for their sanity.. yet I come back and I look my own life choices in a much starker light..
    it was 5 years between visits, which wasn’t planned but Covid .. so for him it’s impossible not to see the next time being 5 years from now, while for me given the state of everything every time I leave the country part of my half expects never to make it back.

    Couple that with us buying a percentage of my mums house to help her out with her mortgage literally the week before we left and then us spending the last of our savings on this trip, it’s hard not to feel a bit overwhelmed.. granted the money situation is temporary as pays will start rolling back in next week, but the 70k safety net is gone, all our accounts are tapped and that sense of not having a contingency plan which loomed so strong over our 7 years living in Berlin is here again.. albeit temporarily..

    Jet lag sucks.. and perhaps self reflection is something I have spent too long avoiding so when I am stuck unable to sleep, the crushing realizations of time become all more apparent.

    It’s also been a good few weeks without weed, which has helped a lot with insomnia generally but I am also sensing the rut of that returning isn’t the way forward.

    I feel stuck between two worlds.. my mother is old and will eventually pass, and then we are alone in Australia.. my wife’s family is big but far away and while we could move back, it’s such an upheaval and the thought of starting over again crushes me..

    Anyway, venting over

    autoflavour 6Permalink
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    • I mean my prescription is for insomnia .. so that helps usuallyautoflavour
    • TLDR, jet lag sucksautoflavour
    • I can relate to the bit where you mention your mother is old. Mine is 75, and in Canada, whilst I'm out here in DE. Crushes me, a bit, because I actually don'tContinuity
    • ... want to move back there.
      In any case, daunting as it might be, maybe hitting your and your wife's Refresh button might what you need.      Continuity
    • I know you've got kids, and it really is an upheaval, but — sometimes — up-ending everything to get what you truly want is the way to go, regardless of age orContinuity
    • ... circumstance. I'm looking to do similar, where i feel I've done the DE thing to its maximum potential (for me), and am turning my eyes towards France orContinuity
    • ... Spain as my life's Refresh button.Continuity
    • Just some thoughts to mull over, if you're so inclined.Continuity
    • Thanks Conti.. i guess for us the last 20 years we have either lived here or there, it’s been almost 7 years since we moved back and a big part of that was soautoflavour
    • Our kids could put down some roots and go to school, and i don’t think a reset at this point would solve anything .. Berlin is over for us, and it’s not likeautoflavour
    • We are going to move to Bielefeld anytime soon.. my kids speak very broken German so it would be a huge step backwards for themautoflavour
    • Not to mention we would be starting from scratch, again .. we moved back also so my mother could see her grand children grow up, so moving back would be counterautoflavour
    • To our original move. My wife’s mum has all her grand children near by so while she is sad we are so far, it’s not the same. At the end of the day we need toautoflavour
    • Live our lives for us, and Australia for all its flaws is a good place to live, it’s just hard to feel so isolated sometimes. I’m just emotional and tired.autoflavour
    • Gotta live somewhere, right? It’s just so hard when it’s here or there.. both have advantages and both have issuesautoflavour
    • It’s now 4:40am. Still no sleep.. only endless thoughts of the future, the past and the present. I am constantly worried I am not present enough for my kids,autoflavour
    • Especially after this last few weeks, my eldest was super clingy the whole Time always wanting to hold my hand and hug, which was sweet but also made me thinkautoflavour
    • Perhaps he is lacking me being around .. it’s not that I’m absent, but I do have a lot of things I do outside of parenting .. it’s a wash of thoughts right Nowautoflavour
    • Big choices to make, and the decisions may not be so hard after a good night of rest. Jet lag is real, and it does suck. Good luck with everythingstoplying
    • Life choices are often made for us.. also for the record we have been back literally less than 24 hours.. so this will pass I’m sure .. just Would rather sleptautoflavour
    • You had a mad time in Berlin though, must have some great memories, met some amazing artists, I imagine partied a fair bit. Things change but sometimes for...PhanLo
    • ...the good. Oz is a pretty good place to exist, slightly more aggie scene for graffiti and mural art I suppose.PhanLo
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