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Out of context: Reply #72559

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  • shapesalad3

    My wife hasn't worked for almost 3 years, and all our 1.5 years marriage.

    I've given her an Amex, I gave her money each month from my salary. Apparently that's all gone. I've left my job recently as it wasn't for me, and just want some time off for a bit while I setup a little side hustle idea I have. So we're not exactly money flush at the moment, all bills/rent coming out my savings.

    She gets her hair done 5 day ago at £185. Which for me - that cuts own hair - seems like a massive amount of money, but fair enough it's been 12months since her last haircut due to covid.

    Then 5 days later she's stood there... yelling, in a rage at me. Accusing me to be a liar. I'm so confused... it transpires when we were talking about something, I though she was talking about one thing, but it was something else, and so I said something that sounds untrue, but was just a genuine misunderstanding of topic.

    Is this ok behaviour? For her to immediately judge me as liar, her husband, who is the only one contributing towards the life together and pretty much so far paying for all life costs and clearly loves her.

    I was trying to imagine it the other way around, what would i do, and being in a rage accusing my partner of lying is a million miles away from how I'd be behaving, especially after they paid my expenses and living costs and holidays etc.

    4 years ago she had a series of traumatic experiences. I keep thinking... is this PTSD? High anxiety, high level of accusing and judging and siding with the negative scenario, zero intimacy, everyday dullness and fatigue, bad sleeping patterns, low motivation, highly sensitive....

    I've wondered it before and tried to suggest to her that perhaps she's struggling with something.. but it's met with "do you think i'm crazy? that I have mental problems?" any gentle suggestion that no, it's all ok, but clearly she's struggling with something not her fault is brushed aside....

    shapesalad 3Permalink
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    • Firstly, i hope you and your wife find a way through this. Secondly, could you suggest she sees a doctor because her behaviour is concerning? I had a similar...Morning_star
    • could be the PTSDcherub
    • ...issue a decade or so ago with my wife and it turned out to be an underactive thyroid that effected her mood and motivation. I'm not...Morning_star
    • i don't want an answer, but what's your thinking as to why she's not worked in 3 years? She might be seriously questioning her role in existence.Nairn
    • ...suggesting that what it is but if often helps to get a professional opinion as it could be something that's really easy to address. Good luck.Morning_star
    • My partner's worked about four months in th elast 2 years (maternity, then covid) and was getting really pissed off at Everything. She's back on track now tho.Nairn
    • ^ Sound advice; thank you both! Strangely @Morning_star she's getting her thyroid / blood work done now for weight gain issue(s)/stress/etc.ideaist
    • ^ Mistook these comments for mine below; lolz.ideaist
    • Is your relationship transactional? Because your first 3 paras are about money you give her as if it's relevant context for how you relate to each other.i_monk
    • She needs therapy and you need to think about the nature of this relationship if you frame it in terms on money in/out.i_monk
    • I'm sorry but she sounds really selfish. £185 on her hair with no job!!?? and you've given her an Amex!!?? She's going to get you into some serious debt.Leigh
    • 3 years is a seriously long work gap.Leigh
    • from what I'm reading you need couple's counseling. best of luck.dorf
    • Thanks guys. I guess I do see it as transactional now... I started thinking we are team, but it was such a one sided effort.shapesalad
    • It's less money in/out, more responsibility, stress, effort in/out. And given I carry the team's stress the most, the responsibility, it feels offside to thenshapesalad
    • fly into ultra rage with me and immediately judge me badly from her side.Yeah she or we or something needs help...shapesalad
    • It's couple's counselling time.zarkonite
    • Couple of stray observations/questio... ...
      Foremost in my mind being, why hasn't she worked in 3 years? Is she the sort of person to want to be 'taken care of'      Continuity
    • ... or does she not know what she wants in life, or what? Is she actively looking for work?Continuity
    • Secondly ... the range of her behaviour you're describing doesn't sound promising. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's done, and too cowardly to say it.Continuity
    • She hasn't worked due to fear, trauma happened in past job. And so she's ultra picky, takes ages to apply, often too late, and is going for jobs she has noshapesalad
    • realistic chance of getting... Rather than thinking, ok, we need extra money, I'll go for anything reasonable I can get to help the team.shapesalad
    • I gave her money to FX trade as that was her thing, but she lost first several k of her own money, then half of what I gave for her to trade.shapesalad
    • She wanted to start her own business so I've paid for squarespace, ingredients, products etc.. a few 100's but so far she's not developed anything or sold anyshapesalad
    • She seems totally lost in it all. I have no idea what she is now aiming for. And if she wanted to be a 'kept' woman, well i'm not in the career for that,shapesalad
    • and that was never mentioned to me since the day we met... I thought she was independent and entrepreneurial.shapesalad
    • Well, it's *possible* the PTSD has caught up to her, in which case, she needs urgent therapy. Like, muy pronto. It might be causing her to lash out, among otherContinuity
    • ... things.
      But the combination of behaviours you describe, I don't know. I can't help but be suspicious of that.      Continuity
    • What's so frustrating is, switched positions, I'd be super happy - life paid for, can do my own business! wow. I'd never be in a mood with her, total love.shapesalad
    • It could also be that she's dying to be independent, but has both gotten used to you covering for her, and come to resent it.Continuity
    • But again, therapy would reveal that for sure.Continuity
    • don't mix stuff. like just don't use the financial situation to put yourself above eye level in discussions. that's my only advice/opinion.oey_oey
    • If communication is difficult around these issues, which it often is, couples counselling might be the thing that shines a light on what’s really going on.mort_
    • I feel for you. It can be heavy going. Add kids to the mix and it gets even heavier.mort_
    • I don't understand Amex.

      They feel thoroughly un-British a thing.      Nairn
    • BTW... This is all playing out a week after my Dad died.shapesalad
    • Amex cashback 1.25%, is worth using.shapesalad
    • Sorry for your loss. That’s a lot to be dealing with.mort_
    • Fuck. Sorry, Shape.
      x      Nairn
    • Thanks. It’s been a tough week. And the weather sucks. Freezing cold for may.shapesalad
    • Oh man, you've been through some tough times. Sorry for your loss :(Krassy
    • yikes, brah.. you need to get some help.. she needs to work and contribute.
      and the rest, issues      autoflavour
    • Maybe she is depressed, maybe traumatised, maybe not that into you, maybe you'll never know what the issue is...monNom
    • But having spent 10 years trying to fix the very same issues you are describing, the only solution turned out to be find a different partner.monNom
    • That was 8 years ago now. I found someone new that valued our relationship as much as me, and it's been _wonderful_ ever since.monNom
    • You owe your wife to try. But the only discipline that really works is self discipline. You can't change someone. They have to change. Most people don't change.monNom
    • Really sorry to say, but you've become her enabler. Your constant giving has brought out her worst traits, allowing this selfish / lazy behaviour to unfold.Leigh
    • I guess what I'm getting at is that maybe there is no solution to a mental health issue, other than to make your own mental health equally as important.monNom
    • She shouldn't be giving you any shit after the passing of your father. Now you're not working either? Suppressive people can bring you down. I don't like this.Leigh
    • It might well be that your good intentions are allowing her pathologies never to produce consequences that might shock her out of them.monNom
    • Sorry that you are stuck in that situation. I know from experience. It SUCKS. A partnership is about both partners contributing to make a greater whole.monNom
    • When one partner refuses, that's not a partnership anymore.monNom
    • Leigh's right, shape. Having a go at you after losing your dad? Unacceptable. She's sounding more and more like you need to eject her. That's toxic.Continuity
    • I think calm open communication is key before making any big decisions. Get that elephant out of the room, with help if necessary.mort_
    • ^ Just to be clear, that wasn't me calling your partner an elephant!!mort_
    • Thanks for all the advice. I think a talk, and if no willingness to seek help, progress, i'm going to have to walk away.shapesalad
    • Would she put up with the same behaviour if roles were reversed?monNom
    • other way around, hell no!! And roles reversed, only highlights how she needs help, i'd not behave like that at all...shapesalad
    • At this stage, 1.5 marriage, these storms every few months... I'm pretty much at the end of this. Having kids with her, I don't think she could cope with it.shapesalad
    • @shapesalad talk to her please. talk to her like you're both human beings, understand that none of you is better than the other and you both decided to solve
      ********
    • problems together 3 years ago. Start living according to that or divorce.
      What you described leads to nowhere, you just loose confidence in this every day.
      ********
    • obviously being out of work for 3 years after a trauma has has these psychological consequences, there is no need to judge. Just try to find a solution TOGETHER
      ********
    • I'm against involving a 3rd party, unless you feel like you want to get out of this. (post doesn't looks like that)
      ********
    • + Money is a third-rate thing in this.
      ********
    • I’m curious @sted, why against 3rd party?mort_
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