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Out of context: Reply #68398

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  • shellie1

    When someone close to you is sick and it's complicated. :'(

    This has happened to me once before. A sick older sister who eventually passed away but we had a really torrid relationship from the time I was born to her eventual death, even though I helped her. She didn't appreciate what I did over the years for her and her family. Meanwhile, I was supporting my mom and step father (who had cancer at the time) although i'll never regret helping my very grateful parents and I'd do that again. My sister screwed me over pretty good, though. I struggle with the idea of doing that again with anybody but my surviving mother.

    I like to think the best of people and naturally give them a lot of rope. But, other people's drama, health-related or not can be so all-consuming and I've seen it throw me off my path -- my dreams deferred. I'm getting older now. I want a family. And, I feel like I'm coming up on a really needed break for myself. If I refocus to help others I care about all of that could go away. What would you do? I'm grappling with this.

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    • do what you feel is right and that enables you to prosper without anyone getting hurt. ideally. if it comes down it hurting you more than them well, no
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    • *to it hurting you more than them
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    • I'm trying to, but I think it will eventually be received as uncaring form other people's perspectives - the person in need and the people around them.shellie
    • do what you can and do the right thing and you will be fine. you know in your soul how far to go
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    • i feel you know what to do and what you can live with. you have to live with yourself afterwards...
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    • im not sure if im repeating myself slightly...probably
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    • @doc Ithink regret either way is looming. If things dont turn out perfectly for this person, ill always blame myself if i didn't do everything.shellie
    • i can't control nature though. and im not the only person who could help. but i might be the only one who actually does depending on how things go.shellie
    • at 35 my window for children is closing. I have to focus to get myself to place where that's even possible. I'm giving myself 2 yrs & the schedule is tight.shellie
    • if it doesn't happen, ok. But i'll harbor to much regret if i don't give motherhood a real shot. And part of that is being financially stable.shellie
    • just getting it all back now after my sister. it took years. I don't think I can handle another serious hurdle in front of my main directive. but smhshellie
    • follow happiness,. things will fall into place.
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    • boundaries. make them, keep them. the more you over-function, the more she'll under-function. it's like quicksand, the more you do the more stuck you getGnash
    • you can have compassion and empathy AND have boundaries. You don't need to lose yourself.Gnash
    • thanks Gnash. I tend to forget that and my boundaries disappear. I have to learn from my mistakes.shellie
    • +1 on boundaries. In my early 20's my mom had a life-threatening illness. I took care of her, and she became overly dependent on me. It's a difficult spot..garbage
    • ..because you want to take care of your loved ones, but there comes a time when they're recovered physically but not emotionally. Hard to see it as it happens.garbage
    • Experienced this exact situation after 4 years of caring for another. Now I'm 100% focused on me and have learned to say no a lot!whatthefunk
    • Now, I prefer feeling guilty about not doing things for others compared to the feelings of guilt about not doing things for me. I traded one for another...whatthefunk
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