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Out of context: Reply #62966
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A couple months back I got a free Fitbit from work for filling out some health survey. All I had to do was log in 30 consecutive days and lie about how healthy I am and – voila – a Fitbit shows up at my door.
When it arrived my wife – as many wives do – immediately asked if she could have it. It took me all of half a second to reply: “I just lied about how healthy I am to get free shit. Do you think I’m actually going to use something that encourages exercise? No thank you.”
Little did I know that silly little wrist band was going to turn my wife into an insane person.
For starters, she’s always in these challenges with her friend to see who can get the most steps in during the day. As a result, it’s not uncommon for me to go to bed and find my wife standing next to our bed in her underwear marching in place. Foreplay, you ask? No, she’s just trying to pound out 500 more steps before she hits the hay.
Ah yes, “Steps,” a currency in my household which is now more valuable than money. I’ll come home from work and ask her how her day was and she’ll just convert her answer into steps.
“I had 8,000 steps in before lunch!”
I of course have no idea what this means.
If it was a particularly easy day for her I’ll have to go into the backyard to talk to her because she’ll just be walking circles around the fence like an overanxious dog.
Eventually her Fitbit addiction grew so much that she upgraded to a model that also records your heart rate and monitors your sleep. Now each morning I’m greeted with a synopsis of her previous night’s sleep.
“I slept six hours and 42 minutes and was restless 14 times for 22 minutes. How did you sleep?”
“I slept like a fucking bear.”
Unexpectedly, though, I started to get an urge to try out a Fitbit for myself. I started to wonder how many steps certain activities would be like playing basketball in the morning or going to the fridge every commercial while watching football. Well, for that one I wouldn’t need a Fitbit. I’d need a Fatbit.
So last Friday I broke down and went out and bought one, completely disregarding the original free one I earned in favor of the same model my wife has. And like any guy, I didn’t immediately want to go for a jog or hike up a mountain to get my steps in. No, I had a much more entertaining physical activity in mind:
“I want to see how many steps I take having sex!”
At that point, my wife got 25 extra steps just walking away from me.
But like a true workout partner, she eventually let me satisfy my curiosity in what can only be described as the greatest Kinesiology experiment man has ever undertaken. And when it was over, I quickly pulled out my phone to check my stats.
“What the hell?!? It says I only took 23 steps!”
“That’s actually pretty good,” my wife replied, “Most guys can’t walk that far in 12 seconds.”
I shot her an angry glance. “What about you? How many steps did it say you took?”
“Well, it doesn’t look like I took any steps,” she said, “But it did say that I slept for two minutes and was restless seven times.”
- Too funny! I can tell you that folding laundry pays off big time with it. 2 hours this week equalled 7500 steps!********
- standup comedian material to build on you have thereBennn
- Standup comedian material that was blatantly cut-and-pasted from the internet:
http://www.bigfunnyb…garbage - God, you are boring.garbage
- https://media4.giphy…********
- c'mon drake, you can do better than thismonospaced
- Don't let us down bro, we're counting on you.********
- This is why ppl don't believe in aliens.Maaku
- LOL Maaku. So pertinent!********
- BWAHAHA********
- Yurimon/Drake/Drumpf... your copy'n'paste BS is pathetic. Get a job. And stop trolling QBN with your nonsense. Thank you!chukkaphob
- Yurimon/Drake/Drumpf... and don't respond. This ain't a convo anymore. You're on permanent ignore mode. Boring the hell out of us with your shite. Ciao!chukkaphob
- coming from chukkaphob, who's been up for SPAM deletion thrice.********
- @drake, what are you talking about, no he hasn't! Don't act like you know how anything here works.monospaced
- Tldr... What did I miss?pango
- @monospaz check THE SPAM thread dude********
- you dumbass, did you really call me monospaz? you've been up for spam more than him, if you're going by that stupid ass thread logicmonospaced
- Oh pipe down monospaz********
- look at this newbie, coming in talking to people like he has some sort of understanding, so cutemonospaced
- spazmono frequency... turn it off********
- Pathetic troll, are you still making up stories for attention?********
- Drumpfcunt STFU********
- @mono
So in your opinion he is not an alternate account? Because he's been accused of that as well.******** - the irony in you calling me a spaz is overwhelmingmonospaced
- i actually don't think he's an alt account... just a very sad cry for attention... o_opango
- a gig is a gig is a gig is a gig....pango
- Too funny! I can tell you that folding laundry pays off big time with it. 2 hours this week equalled 7500 steps!