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Out of context: Reply #57711
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- ZOOP0
Woke up at 4:30, no reason, it happens all the time. I know why but I've never talk about it. Got a cup of coffee, took ibuprofen for the chronic spinal issue I've had my entire adult life.
Sat down at the comp to watch a few vids on here, hoping for a couple hours sleep afterward. Big mistake. Clicked on a vid that brought all the things about my life growing up that I keep buried, things I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I've never had anyone in my 40 years of life that could relate, not since my years growing up, my peers were also from destroyed homes. Some of them didn't make it, and I miss them more because I couldn't save them. I couldn't do anything, to watch one by one the people I felt closest to pass in the worst ways, most too young to drive.
By age ten my father had been involved with organized crime figures for several years, through his job. I'd known fear and violence on a daily basis longer than that. Always told me I was born fucked up (congenital melanocytic nevus), so I guess that's why he decided I wasn't worth keeping around, nor my brother.
Hit and run by a '68 Camaro that floored the pedal (about 70mph) shortly before aiming at us. Hit my brother head on, hit me so hard with the mirror it slammed me on my back and broke my arm. I got up and flagged down a car with the one arm that still moved.
My dad got back in town, he wanted to drop the charges after the driver was caught. Took the first offer from the insurance company (against the lawyer's advice, also part of the same crime family btw) and then spent thousands on bars and women.
Over the decades the pieces have come together, but I can't prove it. First day back in school after the so called accident, a detective was in the principal's office, showing me a photo lineup. Nobody told me what was going on, I didn't know what these pictures were for.
The only way I'll know the whole truth is a deathbed confession, from a man I haven't seen in over 20 years, and skipped town owing me money I loaned him to survive on. If I had only known then what I know now...
My survival strategy has always been to justify my existence though hard work, to prove I'm not worthless and that the things I was told as a child aren't true about me.
This is just a piece of my life, not who I am. I've never talked about or written any of this before to anyone outside of my brother and my mom. I was in a position to know things neither of them knew, not even until this year.
If anyone has any advice on how I can keep my past buried, please email me. It used to be easy, a workaholic doesn't have time to remember, just move forward. My career fell apart, so I don't have that anymore.- Forgot to mention, the police believed this was to claim substantial life insurance policies on us.ZOOP
- Saw a man executed right in front of me while he begged not to die, I've just seen too much. : (ZOOP
- At 22 hospitalized, untreated would have died in two weeks. Girl staying with me was raped in my house by an intruder.ZOOP
- Was months before I could speak much (blood clot to brain) I feel waves of guilt for not being there.ZOOP
- Nervous breakdown at 14, locked up in a group home finally admitting to myself my dreams were all dead. mehZOOP
- Yes I have PTSD, no I don't want meds. I just want someone I can talk to. :'(ZOOP
- You've never talked about this before ever and you spill your guts on QBN? I feel honored and wish I had some advice.monospaced
- Is burying those experiences the answer, or is talking about them with a professional a better idea? Sometimes facing them will bring relief.monospaced
- facing your past can bring relief and clarity to your present and future.monospaced
- I don't know, I always felt I would meet someone that had similar experiences. Never have, people just don't know.ZOOP
- This is so fucked up, people come to me for help and advice. I'm supposed to be the strong one.ZOOP
- Jesus dude. its amazing you're still sane enough to type coherently. clearly you are strong. dont forget thatHombre_Lobo
- You should speak to a councilor 100%. Don't bury that stuff, you'll just carry it. and it sounds like a lot to carryHombre_Lobo
- asked my missus, a psych grad soon to do doctorate, she recommends a councilor for sure,says will help massivelyHombre_Lobo
- I've thought about it many times, I don't ask for help though, I never have for anything in life.ZOOP
- Pride is a real motherfucker, won't let you admit defeat.ZOOP
- It does feel somehow right to write this out. My mom has major mental blocks, my brother seems to prefer to forget.ZOOP
- forget or deny.ZOOP
- and thank you Hombre =) the missus sounds like a keeper btw lolZOOP
- Oh and hi mono! People in your life will treat you like a disease if you tell them this. Sad but true my friend.ZOOP
- v welcome! haha, you proud bastard, get to a councilor!
only idiots treat you like a disease. not QBN! :D
Hombre_Lobo - Kind of weird out of all the places, I felt safest talking about this on QBN. Hard to find better people than these =)ZOOP