Advise on getting in the field
Out of context: Reply #8
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- mg330
This is a really long read, but I think it's relevant here. As you will see illustrated in the sections where George sells computers, it just takes a little convincing and you can sell anyone anything. Or, you can just sell the stuff to yourself and then send it all back.
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% The Costanzas are driving in the car.Frank: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.
Estelle: That's as far as it goes.
Frank: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.
Estelle: I pulled it. It doesn't go.
Frank: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame
the mechanism!
George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit
sideways.
Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal!
Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets
too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
George: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?
Estelle: I told you to fix that thing.
Frank: Serenity nowww!
Patty: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish
place La Caridad on Saturday.
Jerry: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.
Patty: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.
Jerry: What? All right, fine.
Patty: Are you mad at me?
Jerry: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.
Patty: You know... I've never seen you mad.
Jerry: I get peeved.
Patty: Mad.
Jerry: Miffed.
Patty: *Mad*.
Jerry: Irked?
Patty: I'd like to see you get *really* mad.
George: Why does she want you to be mad?
Jerry: She says I suppress my emotions.
George: So what do you care what she thinks.
Jerry: Good body.
George: She probably gets that impression because you're cool.
You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.
Jerry: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.
George: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic
pitch. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food.
Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
Kramer: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
George: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix
my father's screen door in Queens?
Jerry: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.
Kramer: I'll do it.
George: Really? You wanna come?
Kramer: Yeah, I love going to the country.
Elaine: Where are they goin'?
Jerry: Fix a screen door in Queens.
Elaine: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday
night?
Jerry: Not goin' to the Knick game.
Elaine: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
Jerry: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You
should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
Elaine: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Kramer: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen
door. (Takes picture) Perfect.
George: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps
blowing the door off.
Estelle: I hate that old door. Throw it out!
Frank: Serenity now!
Kramer: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked
hard for ya.
Frank: Will you put her to rest for me?
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)
Estelle: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the
garage.
George: Dad, what's all this?
Estelle: (From other room) It's junk.
Frank: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!
George: You're selling computers?
Frank: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was
called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading,
and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.
George: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and
IBM?
Frank: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.
Jerry: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
Patty: I think they have 1% over there.
Jerry: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
Patty: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
Jerry: You're damn right you're not buying it!
Patty: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.
Jerry: I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
Patty: Sarcastically) Uh huh.
Jerry: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
Patty: I think you are.
Jerry: Well, I'm not.
Patty: Yes, you are, liar.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Patty: OK, liar.
Jerry: That's enough!
Patty: Ooh, that was good.
Jerry: Really? It felt good.
Elaine: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.
Lippman: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's
a man.
Elaine: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses
Elaine)
Adam: I'm a man!
Jerry: Tongue?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
Jerry: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.
Elaine: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six
more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to
stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you
should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Elaine: Where did that come from?
Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Good.
George: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's
garage, help him sell some computers.
Jerry: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage
death match.
George: Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah.
George: What-what are you doing?
Kramer: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a
little life in her yet.
Jerry: What do you need it for?
Kramer: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see
how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
George: Morning, ma.
Estelle: (From another room ) You're late!
George: Morning, dad.
Frank: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr.
Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.
Lloyd : (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.
George: What is Lloyd Braun doing here?
Frank: Your mother recommended him.
George: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up
is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a
mental institution?
Frank: I didn't read his resume.
Braun: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on
the big board.
George: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?
Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good
work, Braun.
Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!
Elaine: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology
accepted.
Adam: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.
Elaine: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and
tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.
Adam: Are you free Friday night?
Elaine: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am
in my early... 20s.
Adam: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.
Elaine: No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a
man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
Adam: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First,
they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me
Boggle. I renounce my religion!
Lippman: Who wants cookies?
Adam: As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!
Lippman: What?
Elaine: (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.
Frank: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're
having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner
gets a Waterpik.
Estelle: (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!
Frank: Serenity now!
George: You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!
Frank: I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd
Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)
George: You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell
computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why
not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell)
Serenity now!
Elaine: Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your
father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of
varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.
Adam: (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of
good. 'Early 20s'!
Elaine: Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
Lippman: So, that's the type of guy you're looking for?
Elaine: Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts
making out with her)
Patty: (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?
Jerry: (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer
home? Oh, hey.
Kramer: (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
Jerry: Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.
Kramer: Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
Jerry: You barbecuing tonight?
Kramer: (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.
Jerry: So, where do you want to eat tonight?
Patty: How about La Caridad again?
Jerry: Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
Patty: Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.
Jerry: Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!
Patty: Maybe I should just leave.
Jerry: 'Maybe'!?
Patty: Good-bye!
Jerry: Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer,
sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)
Kramer: Hey, buddy!
Elaine: (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!
Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
Elaine: Did you and Patty just break up?
Jerry: Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about
it!
Elaine: Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard
about this great place called La Caridad.
Jerry: That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also,
but I wasn't in the mood.
Elaine: Whoa. What is the matter?
Jerry: It's Patty.
Elaine: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
Jerry: (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
Elaine: Oh my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I care!
Jerry: Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.
Kramer: She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
Jerry: I don't know what's happening to me.
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come
with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)
George: Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's
apartment)
Kramer: (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I
warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house.
This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!
George: (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in
the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.
Jerry: You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?
George: Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer!
Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.
Jerry: Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever
tell you how much I love you?
George: What?
Jerry: I love you, George. Come here.
George: I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what?
If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.
Jerry: Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.
Kramer: Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back
for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see
you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your
sink?
Jerry: Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
Kramer: I love you, too, buddy, and George--
George: I don't want to hear it, Kramer!
Kramer: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this
water on full blast.
George: What signal? What-what signal?
Kramer: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
George: If I do it, will you buy a computer?
Kramer: On the signal, George. On the signal.
George: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
Jerry: I love you, Costanza.
George: Will you shut up?!
Kramer: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the
faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
Elaine: So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
George: Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.
Elaine: What?
George: It means a non-Jewish woman.
Elaine: I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to
do with it?
George: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of
meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
Elaine: Oh, that's insane.
George: I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you
on a new desktop computer.
Elaine: I am not buying a computer from you.
George: There's porn.
Elaine: (Pausing) Even so.
George: Damn it!
Elaine: Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that
you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason
you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
Lippman: That's simply not true.
Elaine: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.
Lippman: You are wrong. I'll prove it.
Elaine: Oh, no. Don't!
Lippman: I renounce Judaism!
Elaine: Oy vey!
Jerry: What happened to you, pal?
Kramer: Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They
ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Kramer: Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.
Jerry: So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?
Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts
right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!
Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you?
Kramer: Serenity! (He exits)
Elaine: Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is
renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is
*with* you people? What are you looking at?
Jerry: Sit down, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.
Jerry: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Elaine: Do you have an apple or anything?
Jerry: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
Elaine: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
Jerry: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
Elaine: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
Jerry: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in
front of us!
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Elaine...
George: (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry,
I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I
store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all
back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's
wrong with your leg?
Jerry: I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
Jerry: Elaine?
Elaine: Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman
right now.
Jerry: Lippman?
Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh,
yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand.
Come on! Come on!
Jerry: Can I help you?
Elaine: No. Stay! Stay. Stay.
Frank: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!
George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay?
Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
Frank: Costanza, you're white hot!
Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--
Frank: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the
same: you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!
Estelle: You're not gonna give away that water pik!
Frank: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!
Lloyd: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing
doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you
blow.
George: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd: What do you think put me there?
George: I heard they found a family in your freezer
Lloyd: Serenity now. Insanity later.
Jerry: (Entering the hallway to his apartment) What happened here,
Kramer?
Kramer: Serenity now, serenity now...
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children,
they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.
Jerry: You don't look well.
Kramer: Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the
world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.
Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about
it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment.
Serenity nooooooooww!
George: Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
Kramer: (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!
George: Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?
Kramer: (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!
George: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls
to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five*
computers?
Kramer: (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.
Jerry: He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?
George: Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle
it.
Jerry: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done.
Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making
shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?
George: All right... here goes...
Elaine: Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this
Shiks-appeal?
Rabbi: Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North
American cousin, the Sasquatch.
Elaine: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied
Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
Rabbi: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish
religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?
Elaine: (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?
Rabbi: You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle
Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after
the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?
George: So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm
capable of. That's me.
Jerry: Yikes. Well, good luck with all that.
George: Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a
little compassion.
Jerry: I think you scared me straight.
Elaine: All right, Jerome, I'm in.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is
right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.
Jerry: I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
Elaine: What? What happened to the new Jerry?
Jerry: He doesn't work here anymore.
Elaine: Oh, well that's just *great!*
George: I love you, Jerry.
Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.
George: You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the
two of you get back together.
Elaine: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Frank: You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of
bankruptcy.
George: Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?
Frank: He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing
that bell.
Estelle: I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car
in!
Frank: This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here.
Serenity now!
Estelle: All right...
George: Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.
Frank: So, what am I supposed to say?
George: 'Hoochie mama'?
Estelle: Move your crap, I'm comin' in!
Frank: No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!
End.