please dont
Out of context: Reply #12
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- DRIFTMONKEY0
I am also PEESHY... here's my rant.
..went to a concert the other night... (MIDLAKE) here's 5 minutes in the bathroom....
So, we get there, (BELLYUP TAVERN) and its a really nice place! I really like the one wall smothered in band posters... Gorgeous! So, I go to the bathroom, mind you... We got there early, so not people there yet... And I walk in... Sonuva! there’s this bathroom attendant who greets me. I had this little panic attack in my head, cuz there’s noone else in the bathroom... I can’t go with this guy watching me. Especially since this place, nice as it seems uses the troph. Yeah, that’s right... A FACKING TROPH! no way in hell Im gonna get one drop of pee out with this guy staring me down. So, I opt to go to one of the stalls... But it didn’t help... You could hear a mothfart in there it was so quiet! So Im just standing there... Trying to force it out to no avail... I can hear him breathing... And I’m so uncomfortable. So I flush the toilet... It’s one of those quick flushes, so the noise doesn’t resonate long enough for me to take advantage of it... Quiet again.. FUCK! Then I start getting pissed thinking about shit in my head... Who the hell is this guy... What planet are we on that people need this kind of assistance in a restroom... Not only that... But what a fucking shitty job... You gotta stand there, and smell other people’s shit all day, pretend what they say is interesting so you can wiggle that $1 tip from them before they leave the bathroom. I can’t imagine the first attendant... What he must have thought...”are you serious, boss? You want me to just stay in here, while people piss and shit... Can’t people just turn on the faucet themselves when they are done? What a thankless job, not only from that standpoint... But it’s also one of those forced tipping situations... Here’s this shmuck who hands me a towel, and I gotta give him money for that... I see the stack of towels, can’t I just reach over and grab one myself?
By the time I realized all this was upsetting me, I had been standing there for a good minute/minute and a half, and not a drop... Then he does something amazing... He turns the water on... Praise the lord, we have white noise... I started peeing immediately... Now, in my head... Im thinking... Wow. He did this for me... He knew I was gunshy, and helped the situation by relieving the tension... Only thing is.. I wouldn’t need that sort of releif if that flapjack wasn’t stationed there in the first place! congratulations.. You have just done the most successful thing a bathroom attendant could do... Camoflouge your presence... Next time.. Lets skip the middle man, and just not show up for work... K?
Sure enough, as I exit, he is there to turn on my faucet, put soap on my hands, and hand me a towel... All things my 6 year old son can perform effortlessly by himself... Now, if I had money on me, of course I would have given in... The guilt at this point is overwhelming... But sorry chief... It’s 2007... I don’t carry cash on me... So, Im contemplating my exit strategy now... This guy thinks he has done a world of service me... Im the only one here, I got the full treatment.. Here comes a tip...
“Thanks buddy, I’ll get you next time”
It’s the best I could think of... The night was early... And typically when drinking... 2 or 3 bathroom visits are expected...
When I got back to the table, I gave my buddy my beer, chewed some gum, and sat there thirsty for the rest of the night...