Random Crazy Stories
Out of context: Reply #47
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Two apartments ago, I had a nice enough downstairs neighbour (and his girlfriend), but it became apparent that he was a psycho. Though to my credit, I probably drove him completely over the edge, haha.
I have this alarm clock, but it plays CD's - it is flippin' sweet! So I would set it up to have Dip Set play to get me up and in a good mood to start the day. Now unfortunately I would forget to turn it off on the weekends, and I would usually be at someone else's place or out of town.
So the first time I get a note about turning off my music, blah, blah, blah.
I actually try to remember, but you know sometimes I don't come home from work on a Friday, or I don't come home on Thursday to do so (leaving it on Friday morning, haha) - I never know what is going to happen in the day, I don't like planning and like things to be spontaneous.
A few of my friends were over one weekend, and they were some sleeping all over Pittsburgh but my one friend said he wanted to see my place so we went back to crash pretty late (or early like 3AM). I get woken up at about 6:15 in the morning to banging on my back deck. I of course was sleeping sprawled out on my living room floor with all the lights on, and it is my neighbour, so I open the door and am like, "Is everything alrite, is there a fire?"
"DO YOU HEAR YOUR FUCKING MUSIC JEROME! YOUR FUCKING MUSIC MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!"
Me unconciously bopping my head to the beat is not helping, and asking him why he didn't just knock on the front door ... apparently he tried for 15 minutes. My deck also by the way was not really attached to anything so he had to gymnast his way up there (which ... not really safe from burglars I guess, haha). I tell him I will turn it off, and to just cool off and I'll turn it off ... there is my friend sleeping on my bed right next to the alarm ... it might as well have been a gentle breeze, haha.
See I had shut the door on him, and when I walked back out he was still there. So I do the like hand thing miffed as to why he is still there. And he goes, "We need to talk." I open the door back up, he gets everything out of his system ... telling me how I would like it if he did this to me, I tell him I wouldn't mind because it is an apartment and kind of expect things like this to happen from time to time. Wrong answer. Goes on about how the neighbour before me was nice and quiet, blah, blah, blah. Then he comes up with the bright idea that he when he gets up for work he will come and wake me up and we'll have coffee. As a jackass I tell him that is a great idea, but I don't drink coffee so I will just have chocolate milk. He thens goes on how everything is a big joke to me and how it would be a big joke if he came in and beat my ass.
I laugh some more and tell him if he takes one step into my place I am picking him up and throwing him over the balcony. This balcony is about a good 50 feet from the ground into some woods overlooking Pittsburgh by the way, haha. He mutters some inane babble and asks if he can at least go out my front door, I tell him to get fucked and close the door and go to sleep on the couch - noticing that a slew of lights from other apartments were on and people were on their balconies watching this all transpire (but not my cousin and the friends that crashed at his place, as he lived directly across the "valley" as they were all passed out [side note: that was awesome]).
We (my friends and I) all have a good laugh about this the next day at the bar getting lunch, apparently my friend wasn't asleep after I turned the music off and heard the whole thing and was trying not to laugh the entire time.
So weeks go by, no problems ... until one day I am watching a movie on a Saturday afternoon after getting in and I hear a knock on my door.
I am in a pair of shorts, and open it up and it is him, in a suit and tie and his work bag. I ask him what's up, and he goes, "You know what is up you inconsiderate little fuck." Then proceeds to slam his bag off the wall going crazy. Then is just staring at me huffing and puffing, I laugh, ask him if he is done. He then goes on about how his girlfriend can't sleep, I am driving him insane, and wants to take it outside.
I ask him why in the world would I want to get in a fight, he starts calling me a pussy, a little guy, the whole nine. I just put my arms up on the door and tell him to leave before he does something stupid, "LIKE WHAT? DRIVE YOUR HEAD INTO A PARKED CAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I'LL GO TO JAIL! I DON'T CARE!" slight pause, "I KNOW WHY YOU AREN'T SCARED! YOU PROBABLY HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE, I KNOW YOU HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE, NO ONE YOUR SIZE CAN FIGHT SO YOU TRY AND EVEN IT UP! I SEE YOUR FRIENDS COMING IN AND OUT ALL HOURS OF THE NITE, YOU NEVER WORK, YOU'RE A DRUG DEALER!"
I laugh some more, tell him I'm not a drug dealer but a computer nerd, and what in the world can I do to make him happy at this exact moment. "BEATING YOUR FACE IN!" I tell him that is not going to happen, anything else? "I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING ALARM CLOCK, SO I CAN SMASH IT WITH A BASEBALL BAT!!"
"Great Idea!", I say. "Constructive, and you can get all your aggression out, that is a really good idea. Would that make you happy?"
Complete 180 ... he kind of calms down and he is excited, telling me how he can't wait, it would make him happy, and how he wants me to watch. So right when he is in an awkward state of enraged happiness I inform him, "Haha no man, I just wanted to see what would make you happy. I am not giving you my alarm clock, haha."
He kicks the wall, punches the wall, breaks the screen door, comes within an inch of my face yelling, "I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"
I asked him if he was done, because I am sure a neighbour has called the cops by now and he should probably either go downstairs with his ugly girlfriend, or take a long walk to cool the fuck out. He then starts talking in some kind of language that to this day I have no idea, I do not know if it was Polish, if Polish is even a language, if it was some other Eastern European, or Lebanese - I have no idea what this guy is made up of, outside of hair and either a short fuse, or a long fuse that has just finally hit.
He walks out the broken door mumbling, I tell him he forgot his bag but he doesn't respond. I walk back in my place and go, "What a fucking a lunatic ... ah man ... the movie is over!" I had missed the last 45 minutes of the movie that was on cable because he was crying like a baby. So, I think nothing of this whole tirade and figure I'll get ready for the day and then head out. After I get out of the shower and I am on my way out, I hear a knock again.
I open the door expecting him with said baseball bat, but it is his girlfriend. "I am sorry, he is pretty protective of me so when I get upset he goes insane. Please accept my apology and don't come back with your friends." I lose it again. Tell her that if I wanted to make him bite the curb I would have done it myself, and that she has absolutely nothing to worry about, I have already put it under the bridge and chalked it up to me waking the two of them up at 6 in the morning on a Saturday.
She then informs me that she contacted the landlord, which I assume was to bitch about me.
...
They asked to get out of their lease and were going apartment shopping the next day, and if I could find it in my heart to try and not send him over the edge anymore while they were still there, haha.
The moral of the story is ... everything works out in the end, if you are me.