Joke of the Day
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- autoflavour0
The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.- my dad actually sent me this..
autoflavour - hahascarabin
- so good...oey
- hahaha... Awesome!necromation
- my dad actually sent me this..
- MrT0
What's got 2 legs and murders women?
The Pistorius brothers.
- hehehe! so bad. so good.oey
- he has a brother with only 1 leg too?CygnusZero4
- < thick cuntset
- GeorgesII0
A man goes to his doctor and says;
Doc I think I'm addicted to twitter.Doc: Sorry, I don't follow you
- GeorgesII0
Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.
- hahaarne
- So good.oey
- hahahahabigtrick
- why don't i get this?necromation
- so funny_niko
- i have no idea what this is?autoflavour
- Hahagoldieboy
- bigtrick0
A mouse is walking through the forest when he hears a shout for help. He sees a bear stuck in a hole. He mouse shouts down to the bear, "Don't worry. I'll go and get my Ferrari." The mouse returns, slooowly backs his Ferrari to the edge of the hole. The bear grabs hold and the mouse pulls him out. "See, if it wasn't for my Ferrari you'd still be in that hole," said the mouse.
A few days later the bear is walking through the forest when he hears a cry for help. He looks and finds the same mouse from the other day stuck in the same hole. The bear straddles the hole and the mouse climbs up the bear's dick, dangling in the hole. "See," said the bear. If you have a big dick you don't need a Ferrari."
- bigtrick0
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
- see_thru0
Two guys are sat at a bar, drunkenly trying to out do each other with nerdy bullshitting....upon the completion of another tale, the one guy says...
"...well, I've got one better than that. See this...." and proceeds to pull a tiny ariel from his right thumb, he jabs at his palm and holds the thumb to his ear and the little finger to his mouth. "Latest thing from Japan...it's a mobile phone that's surgically implanted into your hand...."
"Bollocks" says the other guy...
"...no, serious, just a ....oh, hello love, it's only me...I'm showing Dave my new phone...say hello...." and he holds his hand against Dave's head and sure enough Dave can hear the woman talking away. He pulls his hand back "...ok love, I'll be home late....bye" and he jabs his palm and pushes the ariel back down into his thumb.
"Fuck!! That's amazing..." exclaims Dave....
"Oh, they do all sorts of crazy stuff these days....hang on I need to pee, I'll be back in a mo and I'll tell you some more..."
So off he goes to the toilet leaving Dave at the bar. After 10 minutes he hasn't come back and Dave starts to wonder where he's got to. After 20 minutes Dave decides to go and look for him. He walks into the men's room and is greeted by the sound of someone groaning in agony. He walks up to a stall, pushes the door open and finds his mate bent over with his trousers around his ankles and a bog roll stuffed in his arse.
"what the hell are you doing...." Dave asks....
"What the fuck does it look like..." he replies..."I'm waiting for a fax".
- MrT0
At the cemetery the other day, I saw these pallbearers carry a coffin around and around for three hours.
I thought "They've lost the plot."
- autoflavour0
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship."Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people."First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did."Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did."Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
- pango0
"After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15 - Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 - Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five minute intervals.
3. July 7 - Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19 - Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4 - Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14 - Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15 - Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.
8. August 23 - When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4 - Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10 - While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3 - Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6 - In the Automotive Department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18 - Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!
14 October 21 - When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"
And last, but not least,
15. October 23 - Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager"
- MrT0
Before I went to bed last night I pulled my boxers off.
"You spoil those dogs", said my wife.
- GeorgesIV0
Russian barman say, "Here is shot of drink for each of you. If you can tells me what is this drink, you can has 5 minute alone in back room with Olga." All three mans is very excite about this!
First Romanian take drink. He smack lips and say, "Taste like..." But before finish, he fall over dead.
Next, Estonian man take drink. He make burp and say, "Taste like..." But he too fall down, now is dead.
Finally, Latvian man take drink and say, "Taste like... chemikal runoff from reactor." Latvia man is drinking these chemikals since he was child. Russian barman say, "Latvia man is winner! Olga is wait for you in back room."
Latvia man go into back room. Is dark. Cold too. Is remind him of home in Latvia. He find light and turn on. He see Olga now. Olga is giant dog with rabies. Olga kill Latvia man, eat him alive. Is slow and painful killing, but struggle for him is end now.
- 74LEO0
Girl at work said she feels like a mushroom today, i laughed sooo hard at her thinking of this.
- Akagiyama0
Lady walks into an ice cream shop.
-May I have a chocolate ice cream cone?
-I'm sorry ma'am, but all we have right now is strawberry and vanilla
-Umm, well, do you have Rocky Road?
-Sorry, we don't. All we have is strawberry and vanilla.
-Well, how about mint chocolate chip?
-Ma'am....all we have is strawberry and vanilla!
-Hmm, but do you have...
-Ma'am. Do me a favor. Can you spell the 'STRAW' in strawberry?
-Uh, S..T..R..A..W..
-Now, can you spell the 'VAN' in vanilla?
-Uh, V..A..N..
-Now, can you spell the 'FUCK' in chocolate?-But, there's no 'FUCK' in chocolate!
- identity0
Hope & Change
Kinda funny now... Right?
- albums0
The 35 Best Times Someone On Facebook Thought ‘The Onion’ Was Real
- these are great...MrT
- priceless - http://thoughtcatalo…
whatthefunk - I've been caught out a few times. never for long, thoughProjectile