Best Man
- Started
- Last post
- 26 Responses
- Llyod0
my friend's getting married and I'm afraid of being asked to be best man. I just want to get drunk and hit on the bride's maids.
- flavorful0
After the Maid of Honour is done giving her speech:
Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl's got more problems than a math book! Yikes! Haha! Howdy, folks! My name's Chossy, I want to give a speech about my best pal, rite here! Now, I've known this ol' sack o' potatoes here for 22 years! Though I've only liked him for the last nine! Haha!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! Well... not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real dick in high school! Oh come on, he knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway -- when he asked me to be his best man, I thought long and hard about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my thoughts are the only thing long and hard about me! High-oh!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! It's my thoughts and my CRAPS! HAHAHA! Oh, boy! Look at the new bride's face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! G-d bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one -- Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! Haha!! Well, she met her match with my pal here! This guy's laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! You know what I'm sayiing?! Although, they've probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey -- quick mushroom story for ya': look, He and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour!
Oh, boy!! Now I've done it!! Look at that! Look at the bride's face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff -- every bride's dream, right?! I need another drink!
Look, folks -- marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your balls off! Yeah! You know what else it's about? It's about playing stupid for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!
Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya... I have segue-wayed into an area I could not have anticipated! Yeah! And I'm beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let's see if I can wrap this up! * Raise glass * A toast! A toast to the newly weds! Now, there's a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%... end in death. * long pause * Yeah. I hope you two die!
Good luck, goofballs! DJ - work your magic!
- < One of the greatest SNL skits of all-time (to me).flavorful
- mimeartist_com0
my wedding was about a month ago, and my best man said to everyone that 'he can't even wipe his own arse'
- MHDC0
"May all the ups and downs in your marriage be between the sheets" "CHEERS to the new couple."
It's also easy to remember completely tanked.
- boobs0
The most winning best man's speech is to just recite a long, extremely detailed list of the groom's most reprehensible habits
and embarrassing behaviors.Like recount a long story about one night where he banged some
really greasy fat chick, and woke up and threw her out without even cab fare. Then tell another very similar story. Then another. Then a long list of the various places you've seen him vomit from excess drink. Then a story about how he got ripped off buying cocaine. Then about the time he burned his car seat smoking a j.Give yourself a half hour to get the audience to really know him--like you do!
- fodcj0
Anyone got any good best man speeches you can share?
- mistermik0
when is it? how long you got to prepare?
- next year sometime or even 2010
it should be great funThe_archer
- next year sometime or even 2010
- vwsung18t0
i wish i could be a best man, i have so many things plan in case i'm asked.
- Wolfboy0
chossy
It's a tough one because I will be expected to do half of it in French!!!!
================================...easy, just recite the lyrics to ‘Foux Da Fa Fa’ by Flight of the Conchords.
- The_archer0
peice of piss, write the speech and then use an online translator to change into french,
then say every even line in english with the odd lines in french - I'm sure it will be fine....and make for some interesting listening.
- Khurram0
curious tradition you have, with these "speeches".
u gonna hire a stripper? arrange a hilarious stag weekend in pragaue?
- chossy0
It's a tough one because I will be expected to do half of it in French!!!!
- The_archer0
Whats going on with your website man.......???
- I'm depressed thats whats going on I work with you, you should be able to read the signs man.chossy
- depressed....or, bad patch....?The_archer
- Wolfboy0
nice, it's a great job. I've done it once and thoroughly enjoyed it.
My tip for the speech is this: Make the punchline to the first joke a big photo reveal. I had a bad photo of the groom blown up and covered, it was ac plain funny pic and when everyone saw it and started laughing the rest of the speech was a piece of piss.
Also, pray for a soppy father of the bride speech - makes yours very easy. I was lucky on that.
- chossy0
congrats to the couple,
chossy, you can borrow my speech..., they'll never know. :)
- chossy0
It is going to be rad :D
- Jaline0
Awesome!
But don't work too hard. I know you may be forced to do various tasks soon...
- ismith0
- Awesome!ismith
- a good groom would jump in the pool and make everyone else get in and say "party on."colin_s
- stagedjanne76
- shopped...BusterBoy
- Fouty shopped it...Vicentvangogh
- I think that's real - look at the fall. It's no a standard pratt-fall, his feet are all over the shop.Wolfboy
- this made me laugh so hard last weekmegE
- Corvo20
Isn't the best-man the same fellow that checks out the pistols and paces before the morning duel?