Best Man
Out of context: Reply #25
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After the Maid of Honour is done giving her speech:
Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl's got more problems than a math book! Yikes! Haha! Howdy, folks! My name's Chossy, I want to give a speech about my best pal, rite here! Now, I've known this ol' sack o' potatoes here for 22 years! Though I've only liked him for the last nine! Haha!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! Well... not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real dick in high school! Oh come on, he knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway -- when he asked me to be his best man, I thought long and hard about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my thoughts are the only thing long and hard about me! High-oh!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! It's my thoughts and my CRAPS! HAHAHA! Oh, boy! Look at the new bride's face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! G-d bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one -- Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! Haha!! Well, she met her match with my pal here! This guy's laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! You know what I'm sayiing?! Although, they've probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey -- quick mushroom story for ya': look, He and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour!
Oh, boy!! Now I've done it!! Look at that! Look at the bride's face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff -- every bride's dream, right?! I need another drink!
Look, folks -- marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your balls off! Yeah! You know what else it's about? It's about playing stupid for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!
Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya... I have segue-wayed into an area I could not have anticipated! Yeah! And I'm beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let's see if I can wrap this up! * Raise glass * A toast! A toast to the newly weds! Now, there's a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%... end in death. * long pause * Yeah. I hope you two die!
Good luck, goofballs! DJ - work your magic!
- < One of the greatest SNL skits of all-time (to me).flavorful