Jokes
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- RedRock0
Rrriiiiinnnnggg!! rrriiiinnnngg!!
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
A brief pause...
“But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
“Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
A brief pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. put the phone down on the table, run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A slightly longer pause...
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!""Oh my!!! what about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
long pause...
longer pause...
even longer pause...
"Swimming pool? .......... Is this 486-5731?"
- BattleAxe0
A guy walks into an Adult toy store , ask what's the latest greatest toy , The store clerk says well we have a new line of dolls , they are Arab ,
Guy says, what's so great about that
Clerk says , They Blow them selfs up ---
- RedRock0
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for
advancement will pass right by you.
- Drno0
-who was the cheesiest musician of all time?
Mozzarterella
(insert laugh here)
- voiceof0
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
# “Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
- Dancer0
Its so wrong but
I've said it before and I'll say it again:What do 9 out of 10 poeple enjoy
.
.
.
Gang rape
- RedRock0
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with am azement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. ;The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
"Boy..................go gitcha Momma............."
- RedRock0
A man dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, rum, guiness, stella, ...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
- RedRock0
An 80-year-old man from Alabama went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."