London 2012
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- TheBlueOne
"...the adoption of a suitable present-day ethnic guest activity remixing the best and most popular recreations of the host country to maximize audience involvement and draw the entire world into the true British Olympic spirit.
I therefore present to you the best of contemporary British sporting activities: the Ned Pentathlon.
The Ned Pentathlon consists of five events. Participants are required as usual to remain free of drugs, but a special exemption is made for alcohol and tobacco.
1. Crack dealing.
The contestants are required to shift 10 grams of assorted size rocks among the Olympic audience. Hard-sell techniques are encouraged but limited to purely verbal and unassisted physical persuasion. Arrest and prosecution by the Police is an absolute disqualifier, as are the use of knives or firearms as a sales tool. (Remember: "The customer is your friend.")
2. Carjacking
The contestants must proceed to the venue for the third and subsequent events by means of private transportation. Failure to TWOC (Taking Without Owners Consent) is an absolute disqualifier, as is arrest and prosecution by the Police. Bonus points awarded for: assault, abduction of baby still in child seat, driving under the influence, setting fire to the vehicle and posting the results on YouTube prior to disembarking, and driving without insurance.
3. Buckfast drinking
This is a presentation event. The contestants drink 2 litres of Buckfast while singing tunelessly and shouting abuse at passers-by. Points will be awarded by the judges for deportment, inelegance, incoherence, and projectile vomiting. Unconsciousness or arrest for a Public Order Offense is an absolute disqualifier.
4. Happy Slapping
The contestants must locate and happy-slap a police officer. Failure to successfully post the cameraphone footage to YouTube is a disqualifier. Additional points will be granted for good style and illiterate self-incriminatory boasting in discussion forums. A maximum bonus may be awarded for happy-slapping an SO19 unit (and surviving).
5. Out-running the police dog
Contestants must out-run the police dog on the 300 metre steeplechase circuit, with obstacles. Points will be deducted for bites delivered (see anatomy chart). Biting the dog is an automatic disqualifier. The normal anti-doping regulations are applicable to the contestants, but not the dog.
6. Tie-breaker
In the event of a tie, the surviving contestants will be locked in the Big Brother House with a bounteous supply of processed foods, tins of Carlsberg Special Brew, and blunt knives. A loaded Mac-10 and five grams of Columbian White will be hidden in one of the rooms. The last three survivors will be allowed out of the house and given their medals before being taken to hospital (where Police officers will interview them once their medical condition has been stabilized)."
- moamoa0
my english is not good enough to read this...
- fodcj0
Can't be bothered to read all that
- ukit0
More than three lines and I lose ability to focus
- TheBlueOne0
Fine. I'll go find some pictures of cats with funny sayings and some animated gifs of boobs.
- And i can find the boobs where?locustsloth
- that's a good chapmarychain
- JG_LB0
- TheBlueOne is excited about his TwinFlame and can't wait for 2012JamalJenkins
- Dude, what is this TwinFlame shit you keep talking about? I never brought it upTheBlueOne
- JamalJenkins0
Someone is addicted to 2012, might wanna wake up and see it's 2008
- If I could strangle you with your own entrails, I would.TheBlueOne
- hahahaha
entrailsmarychain
- ********0
How about...
Broadcast 20 threads about nothing as fast as you can in one day event.
- thebottlerocket0
you're not missing anything, the funniest bit was the "..." at the start.
- ukit0
How about...
Olympic masturbation
- ********0
someone spent a long time typing that, and it's not even slightly amusing.
- ignite0
Haha, seems like I'm the only one who finds this amusing. Almost comparable to the Super Fornication Bowl.
- JamalJenkins0
TheBlueOne is a good guy, we all think about 2012
- Thank you for your further efforts in dumbing down this place.TheBlueOne
- JamalJenkins0
- Violence can be cleansing you know. How about we ram a crystal up your ass and you tell us what colors you see.TheBlueOne
- janne760
i can't feel my eyes
- JamalJenkins0
It's like that Zero track by the Smashing Pumpkins
- thebottlerocket0
It's about as clever as buying a tape from a band called "head cleaner"
- ********0
mm sounds like a usual saturday night for me
