Pulpeth Fiction
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- TheBlueOne
ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.
J: And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought....
J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.
- ismith0
"I fear the internet shall soon explode, for surely it cannot contain this much win."
- TREBIO0
Awesome!
Now, I'd like to hear Shakespeare pulp-fictionized!
"Yo, who's that bitch on dat balcony over there."
- Court0
Hood version
Does he look like a snitch!?
Well why the fuck am i here?
- TheBlueOne0
GRAVEYARD SCENE. Enter HAMLET and Horatio.
HAMLET:
This skull is motherfuckin' Yorrick's. I knew this motherfucker.
First guy to crack a joke, and a good one. And now? Look at this shit. He's a fucking skull.
It makes me want to throw up.
Right here man he had lips and cheeks and shit.
Where are you're motherfucking jokes now, man? Your righteous rhymes? The ones that had all the brothers in stitches. See, he's a skull now man. He can't tell any jokes. He's just a motherfucking skull. Damn shame.
Tell me Horatio, one thing...HORATIO:
Anything man. What is it?HAMLET:
Do you think that Greek guy, the old one, Alexander. You think he's just a motherfuckin' skull in the earth now?HORATIO:
Damn straight he is.HAMLET:
You think he smells like shit? [puts down skull]HORATIO:
Damn fucking straight.HAMLET:
We all turn to shit, eh? I can't even imagine trying to find all the rotted pieces of that Alexander dude now. Bits of him must be fucking everywhere. You couldn't even put enough of him tgether to hole up your ass after a meal at Taco Bell.HORATIO:
You trippin' man. You are trippin'.