U.S To Pull Out Of Iraq
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- CALLES
U.S. to Pull Out of Iraq, Come All Over It
BAGHDAD -- After more than two years of fucking the shit out of Iraq, the United States military is finally ready to pull out, and come all over the broken and exhausted nation.
"When we first saw Iraq, she was all oiled up, just laying there all helpless and vulnerable. I mean, she was practically begging to be fucked", said President George W. Bush as he gazed longingly at a map of Iran, adding, "Damn, she's hot. It's like twins or something!"
When the United States first inserted itself into Iraq, they stated the clear objective of finding Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, which might have made the sexual act beneficial for both parties. But no matter how hard the US tried, or how many positions they did it in, they simply could not locate the Weapons of Mass Destruction and bring Iraq to a climax.
"This is without a doubt the worst sex we've ever had," said one Iraqi, "even worse than when Saddam fucked us. At least he'd apologize afterwards, buy some flowers and tell us he loved us."
A few months into the sex, people began speculating that the United States was too heavily intoxicated on hubris and greed to be able to perform adequately.
"Clearly they have no idea what they're doing," said Saddam Hussein.
Reports another Iraqi civilian: "They were pretty rough from the beginning, biting and pinching even our most innocent spots. But things got really weird when the United States started tying us up. They just wanted to do all this sick, freaky shit. I mean, you saw Abu Ghirab. We're used to having it a little rough, but we're not freaking masochists, for Allah's sake!"
Despite insistent claims of affection for Iraq, the United States started looking more and more like a rapist to many of the people observing the filmed broadcasts of the copulation.
"They can say whatever they want about human rights," said a French official, "but we can all see that the Americans are just using Iraq. They could have at least gotten permission to fuck her, like they did with Bosnia."
U.S. Officials report that the reason for finally wrapping up this marathon sex act is that we're running low on Viagra.
"We've got military recruiters all over the place, asking parents to send us more of their kids," said Donald Rumsfeld, "I guess no one wants to party anymore."
Now that the U.S. is finally ready to blow their load all over Iraq, certain American citizens have expressed concern about the military's recovery time.
"I just hope they can get it up again soon," said one Senator, "because it looks like all this sex in Iraq has sure gotten Al-Qaeda horny."
-Associated Press
- ********0
about time. I think she faked.
- ********0
hahaha. Calles!!!
- e-pill0
nice commentary!!
- CALLES0
hahaha. Calles!!!
Crouwel
(Sep 14 07, 10:29)i didn't write it!... cant take credit for that... but i did find it
- k0na_an0k0
LOL CALLES!
haha. i guess with a burka on almost anything is fuckable.
- TheBlueOne0
In jokes, as in wine, lays much truth...
- danthon0
nice find!
- ********0
Oh man, no doubt, thank you. For that was more slippery than three pairs of panties sliding to the bottom of one's feet!
- CALLES0
here is some more from the same guy
Book Review: The Bible
(In another instance where I introduce - then never continue - a new regular feature here at BlaggBlogg, I have decided to try my hand at book reviewing. As a not-so-humble person, I thought it necessary to choose a subject worthy of my substantial intellect and talent. So, I chose The Holy Bible, an ancient document many consider to be the most influential in the history of all mankind.)Written in 66 chapters, by over 40 different people, the Bible is the highest selling and possibly most recognizable book in history. Which I don't really understand.
The Bible starts out pretty good, despite a sort of twisted historical logic and many claims that are in direct discrepency with the generally accepted laws of physics. I mean, I know it makes for an exciting read, but are we really supposed to believe the entire universe was created in 7 days by some entity that thinks everything is good? Sort of juvenile, if you ask me. Also, what's with the Noah's Ark story? We're really supposed to accept the reality that one single dude rounded up two of every species in the world - including insects, birds and reptiles - and put them on a big boat and sailed around for 40 days? I've read Choose Your Adventure books with better plots.
And while I enjoyed all the stuff about the Jews' enslavement and subsequent liberation, with the plagues and locusts and what have you, I really just don't believe one dude with a stick could make an entire sea part. I mean, even if it did part, the fucking ground where the ocean was would be all wet and mushy. You'd get mud all over your sandals and it would take days or even weeks to sludge through it with millions of people in tow. Just doesn't jibe with me.
After the initial excitement of the world's creation and Adam and Eve and Moses and all that other stuff, things really slow down somewhere between Numbers and Deuteronomy. I mean, the whole text really just starts to read like the recorded rantings of a schizophreneic street preacher standing on top of a wine box, holding a protest sign and a bunch of poorly written pamphlets. It's incoherent and, after the initial novetly, pretty boring, with the one exception of the story of Jonah, where the dude gets swallowed by a whale, chills out in its belly for like three days, then gets puked up to shore, alive and well with nary a scratch (again, not big on the whole logic thing, but whatevs).
Around this point in the Bible, the names of the chapters start to get really weird and confusing. I mean, 1st and 2nd Maccabees? What's a Maccabee? Why do there need to be two of them? I definitely don't heart Maccabees. Some of my colleagues in the circles of literary elite are saying that Nahum is the new Habakkuk, but I'm not buying it. Habakkuk is a fucking classic and all throughout Nahum, I really just wanted to skip ahead and dive right into Zephania, or go back and re-read Hosea, which was totally dope and amazingly written. Also, Song of Soloman could be a cool name for a rock band that fashioned themselves as the Southern rednecky cousins of the Strokes or something, but it wasn't really working for me as a chapter in the Bible.
So then we get to the New Testament, telling the story of my man JC, and while a lot of it was pretty sweet (water into wine? for shizz), it seemed pretty redundant to me. I mean, Luke pretty much nailed the story of Jesus by his ownself, so I don't really see why Matthew, Mark and John had to crowd onto the bandwagon and cramp the nigga's style. Hell, Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ nailed the holy spirit (no pun inten--okay, pun intended) better than anything in the Bible -- and Scorcese's "Last Temptation" is so good IT should be The Gospel. I feel guilty even mentionioning it in the same paragraph as these other hacks.
So then we get Corinthians and Ephesians and Galatians and Whateverians else, which are all the books written about Christianity by this dude Paul. See, this is where the Bible really went downhill for me. Before becoming Christianitiy's Publicist, Paul was the #1 murderer and torturer of Christians throughout the land. Then one day, he has some revelation on the road to Damascus and suddenly we forgive him for all the bad shit he did? I mean, that's the equivalent of a confessed serial killer or Hitler or someone being all like, "Look, I know I killed a bunch of people, but God spoke to me in a vision, and now I'm sorry and you should follow my teachings, for they are the word of God". I mean, WTF??? Could you imagine what the world would look like in 2000 years if the majority of its population is worshipping and studying the writings of Charles Manson? Also, Paul was a major woman-hater, and that just ain't cool me. He's all like, "bitches can't speak in church!", but we pretty much threw that one out the window a hundred years or so ago, when we seemed to collectively realize that it was retarded, yet we still take his other teachings and crochet them onto quilts. Don't get it.
Finally, we reach the end of this mammoth piece of literature: Revelation. Now, I've gotta say - the Bible ends strong. Revelation is all about hellfire, brimstone, whore-raping beasts and whole bunch of other badass apocalyptic shit. My favorite chapter by far, it almost made me forgive my problems with the middle 62 chapters or so of the Bible. To be honest, the Bible might be the world's greatest case for the powers of editing. It should have just been: Genesis, Exodus, Luke, Revelation. That would have been so much more concise, less boring, without nearly as much babbling bullshit. I know it had over 40 authors, but whoever edited this sucker should be banned from the publishing world permanently.
Overall, I have to confess, the Holy Bible is not much of a page-turner. While it has its moments of excitement and action, for the most part its just a bunch of variations on people chanting, "Oh holy God, we love you and praise your holy name, yeah, amen". That's pretty much it. However, I did hear that Brian Grazer and Ron Howard's Imagine Entertainment has snapped up the film rights to the book of Jonah, with Russell Crowe set to star as the young hero who is swallowed by the whale and forced to overcome incredible odds (though word is Crowe is planning on playing the character as a retarded math genius, a bold choice that might just get him another Oscar).
So there you have it, my review of the Holy Bible. I'm giving it 2 1/2 out of 5 Thessalonians. Also, it should be noted that I've never actually read it.
- Jaline0
about time. I think she faked.
ethered
(Sep 14 07, 10:29)dumbass woman. she let it go on for too long. she's too nice.
- ********0
Rusell Crow...I can see that.
- ********0
"dumbass woman. she let it go on for too long. she's too nice."
she likes it long, maybe?
- ********0
- ********0
- CALLES0
Iraq presses US on timeline for troop pullout
By QASSIM ABDUL-ZAHRA and SEBASTIAN ABBOT, Associated Press Writers
1 hour, 2 minutes ago
BAGHDAD - Iraqi officials stepped up pressure on the United States on Tuesday to agree to a specific timeline to withdraw American forces, a sign of the government's growing confidence as violence falls.ADVERTISEMENT
The tough words come as the Bush administration is running out of time to reach a needed troop deal before the U.S. election in November and the president's last months in office. Some type of agreement is required to keep American troops in Iraq after a U.N. mandate expires on Dec. 31.
The Iraqi timeline proposal made public Tuesday appears to set an outer limit, requiring U.S. forces to fully withdraw five years after the Iraqis take the lead on security nationwide — though that precondition could itself take years.
"Our stance in the negotiations under way with the American side will be strong," said Iraq's national security adviser, Mouwaffak al-Rubaie, a day after the country's prime minister first publicly said he expects some type of timeline.
"We will not accept any memorandum of understanding that doesn't have specific dates to withdraw foreign forces from Iraq," al-Rubaie told reporters.
President Bush has said he opposes a timeline. The White House said Monday it did not believe Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was proposing a rigid timeline for U.S. troop withdrawals.
In Washington, the State Department declined to comment specifically on al-Rubaie's remarks, saying it would not negotiate the agreement in public. But it reiterated that the United States fully intends to withdraw troops from Iraq when conditions are appropriate to do so.
"We want to withdraw. We will withdraw. However, that decision will be conditions-based," said Gonzalo Gallegos, a State Department spokesman. "We're looking at conditions, not calendars here."
"We're making progress and are committed to departing, as evidenced by the fact that we have transferred over half of the country's provinces to provisional Iraqi control, and we're planning on removing the fifth and final surge brigade at the end of the month here, if things go according to plan," he told reporters.
Al-Maliki has instructed his negotiating team to harden its position in recent days because he thinks the Bush administration is eager to sign an agreement before the fall elections, giving Iraq the chance to win a better deal, said a senior Iraqi Shiite official knowledgeable about the talks.
The official spoke on condition of anonymity because of the talks' sensitivity.
Al-Rubaie, who spoke to reporters after meeting with Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani in Najaf, a key player in Iraq's politics, did not provide details on the proposed timeline.
But Ali al-Adeeb, a Shiite lawmaker and a prominent official in the prime minister's party, told The Associated Press that Iraq was linking the proposed timeline to the ongoing return of various provinces to Iraqi control.
The proposal stipulates that once the U.S. transfers security authority back to Iraq in all 18 provinces, American-led forces would then withdraw from all cities nationwide.
After that, Iraq's security situation would be reviewed jointly every six months, for three to five years, to decide when U.S.-led troops would pull out entirely, al-Adeeb said.
So far, the United States has handed control of nine of 18 provinces to Iraqi officials.
"This is what the Iraqi people want, the parliament and other Iraqi leaders," said al-Adeeb.
The proposal, as outlined by al-Adeeb, is phrased in a way that would allow Iraqi officials to tell the Iraqi public that it includes a specific timeline for a U.S. withdrawal, with specific time periods mentioned.
However, it also would provide the United States some flexibility on timing because the dates of the provincial handovers are not set.
The U.S. military recently delayed the handover of Anbar and Qadisiyah provinces, for example, blaming bad weather, and new dates have not been released.
The issue of a withdrawal timeline has been a key controversy in the United States.
It is at the center of the debate between Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain as the presumptive presidential nominees look ahead to the general election.
Obama has promised to remove U.S. combat forces from Iraq within 16 months of taking office although he has said that could slip. The idea is opposed by McCain, who is against a specific timeline. Obama is expected to visit Iraq this month.
In Iraq, anti-American Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has kept the issue in the foreground — and put pressure on the government — by consistently calling for an immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops.
Sticking to that position, Sadrist lawmaker Falah Hassan Shanshal reacted coolly to the Iraqi government's negotiations.
"We reject signing anything with the U.S. before the withdrawal of the occupation forces," Shanshal said.
Iraq's government has felt increasingly confident in recent weeks about its authority and the country's improved stability. Violence in Iraq has fallen to its lowest level in four years, and oil production is at its highest level since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003.
The Iraqi government approved an additional $21 billion for its 2008 budget Tuesday, raising the total to $70 billion, the largest in the country's history, said government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh.
Iraqi officials had hoped to cap their achievements with a visit Wednesday by Jordan's King Abdullah II. The king would have been the first Arab head of state to visit since the 2003 invasion, but abruptly postponed Tuesday, saying the trip would be rescheduled.
Also Tuesday, guards opened fire in northern Baghdad, wounding 13 people when a crowd seeking aid payments for the poor, widows, orphans and disabled people became unruly, Iraqi officials said.
The U.S. military said a soldier died Tuesday from injuries suffered when a roadside bomb hit a troop convoy in Baghdad. Five other soldiers were wounded in the attack in the western Baghdad neighborhood of Amiriyah.
___
Associated Press reporter Abdul-Hussein al-Obeidi in Najaf contributed to this report.
- hope is trueCALLES
- I can guarantee that "ADVERTISEMENT" is very much true.harlequino
- ********0
Heres to hoping the pullout method works...its never a sure thing.
- hedge0
*yawn*
- there goes your stocks in privatized security you greedy fuck.********
- he's not real, morilla.mrdobolina
- i know, i know.********
- While war remains profitable, can you really blame me?hedge
- I'd like to throw you off of a fire escape.mrdobolina
- If you're both on a fire escape, there might be a fire in the building. Maybe more fun to throw him in fire?harlequino
- good point.mrdobolina
- there goes your stocks in privatized security you greedy fuck.
- ********0
Jeje Alfredo, check this one out:
U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/08…
- BattleAxe0
"President Bush has said he opposes a timeline. The White House said Monday it did not believe Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was proposing a rigid timeline for U.S. troop withdrawals."
this is comical , sad , and arrogant .... might as well have said this
"President Bush has said he opposes a "Santa Clause". The White House said Monday it did not believe in "Santa Clause" and was proposing a rigid time line for gift delivery in one day."