Jack Bauer
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*****g hates lemonade.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f*****g beef.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's f*****g Jack Bauer.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that p***y went to the hospital first.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*****g dead."
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*****g do it.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer."
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked."
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a p***y.
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character." We are now orphans.
When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.
If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President," but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
A fistfight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a p***y" in a sentence and lived to tel-
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
- gramme0
hilarious!!
next time tell me it will take 20 minutes to wade through it all
;)
- heavyfilm0
thats fucking terrific
- ********0
hahahahahaa!!!@
- digitalswarm0
Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer can eat a dick.
- gramme0
Jack Bauer ripped out all of Charlie Brown's har except one, to remind Charlie that Jack was going to come back later and eat him.
- gramme0
*hair