That's Just Fine
- Started
- Last post
- 16 Responses
- kingjulien
Among my myriad other issues, sleeping has been a dilemma for the past month. Every morning I awake at 4:30 am, and after relieving my bladder, I lay in bed wide-awake-- wondering where it all went wrong. This past Sunday I decided to venture into the family room--hoping a fresh bowl and ESPN's NFL pregame would relax my mind. As usual, I spent the first five minutes studying the smoke patterns in the air. The only light in the room was from the TV, and in that blue haze all sorts of cool animations ran through my mind ( as well as thoughts of how I would spend my five team teaser if the Dolphins could only cover). It may sound odd, but sometimes it's during these moments where the best ideas ferment.
Then suddenly I saw this quick movement in the left corner of the room, as if one of the patterns in the Oriental rug had come to life. I put my bare feet on the coffee table. My heart started beating fast. Thirty seconds passed, and then, in full view, this little mouse--like one of those sick ass Chinese divers in the Olympics--darted from under the TV into the kitchen, going under the refrigerator to safety.
Okay, when I'm sick I'm the biggest floozie, but this only gets magnified around spiders, raccoons, skunks, falcons with killer claws, and various other rodents too many to name. I freak the fuck out. I've lived in some tough areas in my 31 years and generally felt at ease, but this moment confirmed the obvious, I am a coward when it comes to creatures of the night.
I immediately returned to bed, watching the first 25 minutes of Chunk and Data and 12-year-old Sean Astin in The Goonies. I thought about my nights cabbage patching to Cyndi Lauper's theme song, trying not to think about what i had just witnessed in the kitchen.
Now, it's one thing for the motion sensor in the hall way to mysteriously trigger the burglar alarm one afternoon while I was at work a month back--leading to a patrol car to visit with a half OZ of chronic sitting on the coffee table, and it's another thing to scare me in a Sunday morning haze, but dear lord, did you have to--you little fucker-- leave so many pint sized turds under the sink--ones so small and dark I inintially confused for coffee grounds and picked up with my bare hands? What kind of creature shits like that anyway? How dare you make me pick up those pellets you little bastard.
Once things had fully registered, and once I had scrubbed my hands with soap for twenty minutes in a way that would have made Howard Hughes proud, I went to work. I purchased four traps from the local hardware store--along with some cheese sized nuggets of poison. My mom happened to call while I was making arrangements, and she laughed at my disgust. She said once these sorts of things happen they can be fun, checking each morning for signs of a return. I thought the woman had gone mad, that is until I had the knife and the peanut butter in hand, carefully, and lovingly, applying it to the top of the trap, my own personal killing chamber.
Suddenly a great peace took over my body. I felt alive for the first time in five weeks. I began singing to the mouse, "Come Out Come Out Wherever You are" in my best Deniro impersonation. I saw myself as the father in Friday, chasing dogs with the passion of a world class athlete. I saw myself as Bill Murray in Caddyshack, whispering to it in this creepy voice, "I hope you enjoy your peanut butter BUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY".
Last night, while watching Danny Bonaduce slit his wrists, I heard the little fella chirping in the wall panels. I smiled, perfectly at ease. When I put my head down to sleep, all I heard was snapping traps in this precious Beethoven symphony. Snap snap snap snap! Oh, my friends, it was so beautiful. I slept eight harmonious hours.
This morning I awoke to two bloody carcasses, just sitting there so listless in the Sunday comics I had placed underneath. I felt like a father watching his daughter graduate from Harvard.
After disposing of the mice, I became worried. What if there were only two? What if this was all over after just one night? I panicked. Whereas fifteen minutes before I had a purpose, a new calling, now I had nothing. How could I match the adrenaline running through my veins? There's only one solution I'm afraid. A quick call to the pet store, and an ad on Craigslist. I need mice damnit, dozens of them, as soon as possible, and they don't have to be the levee kind either.
No, I think any kind of vermin will do today.
- kingjulien0
"I hope you find your poison tastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"
- designerror0
you stories always manage to make a film inside my head starring you
- gruntt0
i once had a mouse in my apartment and me and my cat, Biscuit, spotted it at the same time. we chased into the closet. Biscuit waited on one side and i got on the other. i started the kicking at the shoes until that mouse ran out straight into Biscuit's waiting claws.
killing mice is awesome.
- uberdesigner0
finally, a stream of consciousness about you voiding your bladder. I hope you get aids kj.
- kingjulien0
finally, a stream of consciousness about you voiding your bladder. I hope you get aids kj.
uberdesigner
(Oct 10 05, 13:51)well now we see clear demonstration of why your reading comprehensions skills are so piss poor--no pun intended.
- uberdesigner0
actually, I just read it now. I modify my original wish to now include the deadly ebola virus. may your innards leak out your rear.
- todelete__20
uber. you're quite the cock.
and i hope you die from it in prison.
- uberdesigner0
I didn't know they allowed creativity in wheaton
- todelete__20
yes. we have running water too.
hiding behind a screen name must be fun.
- uberdesigner0
hiding behind a barn must be more fun.
- tehgee0
uberdouche
- uberdesigner0
and you've never been cranky?
- todelete__20
very creative how you read my bio and are taking those clever shots at me like that. 'hiding behind a barn'. so FUNNY!. man, you are clever and so... funny! well done.
oh. i forgot these uberdouche.
//
- tehgee0
any bodies this morning?
- JazX0
kj I knew it
- IRNlun60
excellent! I spotted the first mouse in my new place and looking forward to the slaughter. Althought I wish I had a wingman like gruntt to flush him out, that's f'ing awesome.
Thanks for the inspiration sir...