greasy
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- kingjulien
Warning: long
----------------------------His name was Dave but we called him Greasy, because when he drank his complexion turned a bizarre shade of green, and his brow got this layer of grease around the edges--a cesspool of toxins. The name was fitting though for another reason--he was one of those cheap motherfuckas that was always getting over on you. He was the gave you that free look at the end of dinner, "Come on dude, cover my drinks. The next spot we go to I'll put it on my card," which was brilliant because he never did. In fact I don't think he ever had a card to put it on. But his art was the con, he was a hustler without ever saying it-one of those cats who had a fan to take care of everything for him--rides, drinks, smoke. This guy could party with the best of them and never pay a cent. He weasled his way into your life, offering lines like"Come on man, let me borrow $2.50 for this burrito, I don't wanna break my twenty," and it was like magic. Even if you knew his game, he had this power over you, because you didn't want to be the guy who said no. The thing is, he was hilarious to hang out with, so you acquiesced--bitterly--and then rode the fun until Monday when the chemicals wore off, and you realized how broke you were, all because of him.
From beatboxing Prince's Erotica City in the ear of some toothless Russian lady to the time I caught him toejam some girl's thigh underneath the poker table (Dave, what are you doing to me? Dave? That's my butthole Dave?) to the time he had to leave work early at the supermarket because he had the clap (Dude, I don't know, there's something wrong with these boxers!), the GreaseReece was one of those guys you could never forget.
One night we went to this bar in Chinatown, the Bow Bow, which was famous for its late night karoake. The place was run by a former madame, Candy, a Chinese woman in her early 50's who had crazy spiked bangs and cleavage that was heavenly. Candy had never met Greasy, but she liked me, so she began her specialty, lemon drops, where she poured 5 different liquors, a sliced lemon, brown sugar and then lit the whole thing with matches. The drinks would sizzle and burn for a minute or two, your own private fireworks show, and it was so sweet on the way down. Folsom, her assistant. this Vietnamese guy with a comb-over, looked like the old guy in The Golden Child, the one who hussled Eddie Murphy out of a hundred dollars at the marketplace and then later got caught picking his nose and rubbing it on his shirt, was at the stereo, singing Celebration by Kool and the Gang. It was a night for the ages--girls, music, laughter, until Greasy started scheming. He told Candy, after being given his bill, that he had orderd Grey Goose the whole night and she had given him Ketel-One, a grave mistake in his mind, and one that he wasn't willing to excuse by paying. I thought he was kidding, but he was so faded he believed his own bullshit. Candy looked at me like, hey dude, what's up with your friend. I stood with my mouth askew. I said bro, pay for your tab you greasy bastard, but he started yelling, "I said Grey Gouse! Grey goose dude, I said Grey goose!" The place was packed, a Saturday night in the city, but there was Greasy getting all crazy. Then, out of nowhere, Candy, in a tight white miniskirt, a dragon lady from medieval times, grabbed a baseball bat and started swinging wildly. She yellled, "Give me my money dumb whiteboy you leave now" with her wooden Lousiville slugger ready to crack my friend across his forehead. I was drunk myself, and quite amused, so I stood back and observed. Dave kept saying--adamantly--that he ordered Grey Goose, but Candy was having none of it. "You pay you never come back," and then, when the spotlight came on us, Candy took her bat and cleared off the top of the bar. Glasses broke in this beautiful symphony of violence. Then she started shrieking at the top of her lungs and I tell you, this woman was so majestic in her rage, so pure, that it was one of the most amazing scenes I've witnessed in my life.
The conclusion was anti-climactic--Greasy pulled out $50 and paid her, just like that. It was all this big misunderstanding, he claimed. We left, drove home across the bridge, and the next morning, around 11:00, when the tremens began, we went back to the Bow Bow, Greasy embarrased because of the scene he caused a few hours eaelier. He agreed to pay Candy for the broken glasses, and then we spent the next 4 hours watching the Giants game, the Stones on the box, and our favorite bartender ever, Candy, now serving them up, one after another, until darkness came and sent us on our way, broken and glorious.
- Rand0
I want to hang out with KJ and Candy
- bk_shankz0
Ahhh Greasy, watch yourself.
- kingjulien0
Anytime, Rand...
Oh, and just in case you were curious--which clearly all of you are...)-- here's some of the participants. I think it's all self-explanatory:
- mogwai0
you mean these characters are real? are your stories real? partly?
- brooke0
Girl, you so crazy.
- kingjulien0
Mogwai, isn't everything a blend of fiction and reality?
- canuck0
very greazy.
- SteveJobs0
kingjulien, i won't add the obligatory 'write a book' statement that trails each of your wonderful stories.
instead, i'd like to confirm, you do have a literary agent working to get you published, right?
- gruntt0
i so enjoy a kingjulien story.
thank you.
- kingjulien0
Thanks, SteveJobs. I'm working on a collection of short stories, little 1-2 page pieces, snapshots if you may, and then I'm going to tap into my literary connections to try and get them published. It's all a matter of getting them, and my other stuff, ready in my mind; then the stuff like dealing with agents comes. Perhaps that isn't the fastest or tradional route to publishing, but it's how my ego works.
Cheers.
- MX_OnD0
in awe as always.
- spendogg0
Love yer stories - made my friday, thanks
:)
- SteveJobs0
that's good to hear kj, but it's not too early to write a proposal and get a contract in order. i'm sure i'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but i think you've got some solid book sales in order just from the nt crowd. signed copies, mind you.
- kingjulien0
Point taken. As always, I really appreciate it...
- MX_OnD0
that's good to hear kj, but it's not too early to write a proposal and get a contract in order. i'm sure i'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but i think you've got some solid book sales in order just from the nt crowd. signed copies, mind you.
SteveJobs
(May 20 05, 12:07)I'd like to have the first of them please!
- nick0
bravo
- kingjulien0
I'd like to have the first of them please!
MX_OnD
(May 20 05, 12:12)I'll trade you a copy for a "cock" phone call, preferably in the middle of the night, during a slow evening drizzle, when I'm up listening to Rock Me Amadeus on loop.
- mrdobolina0
that was cool, as they always are.
- MX_OnD0
Deal!
*chuffed to fuck about getting this book!!
- foreign0
"beautiful symphony of violence"
ha, i like that.