my ex boyfriend
Out of context: Reply #136
- Started
- Last post
- 216 Responses
- vburo0
Not long ago, perhaps in the mid-1990's, a young Japanese girl had a vision. This laddess, named Miki Yakitori, while short in stature and perhaps not the most beautiful, was exceptionally driven by her dream of super-stardom in the field of entertainment. Day in and day out she would go to auditions searching for the 'breakout role' that would eventually lead to her success. She would spend hours upon hours running lines with her overweight and mentally crippled brother, Yakishiri.
Her numerous attempts were unfortunately frowned upon by talent scouts, studio executives, and producers nationwide. After again returning home with her head hung low, Miki looked for consolation with her Shinto gods. She prayed at her shrine and wept for hours. She asked her gods, 'Why? Why, of lords can't I find a way to provide for my retarded brother and prostitute mother? Please give me a sign that I will become a success! Please, I beg of you!'
Just then, Yakishiri waddled into the shrine and stood beside his sobbing sister. 'Miki,' he slurred. 'I know now what you must do. You must go to America to find success. It is only there that you can join the likes of Dana Plato, Shannon Tweed, and Ally Sheedy in superstardom.' He gently patted his sister's head with his cherubic hands and turned to leave the shrine.
As he was walking out, he didn't notice the Tamagotchi he left on the shrine floor. He walked right on it, slipped, and did a Greg Louganis-esque double backward one-and-a-half flip and landed directly on his nape with his feet straight up in the air. Almost instantaneously, the Kappa Maki and Unagi sushi and Yoo-hoo chocolate milk he had eaten for lunch came roaring back with a vengeance.
Right on his face.
The diarrhea broke through the seal of his man-diapers, spewed two feet in the air, and formed a perfect concave down arch that landed directly on his pudgy face. All the while, Miki looked on in horror as her slow, but gentle brother gargled the bile and remains from that day's meal. She stood up and ran to her brother, pushed his legs down, and while almost vomiting herself from the stench, slipped on one of the many feces-laden puddles and fell directly head first into her brother's spewing anus.
It took many weeks for Miki to recover from the trauma of this event. Then one day, she was talking with her best friend, Sagamoto, and for the first time told someone what happened. Sagamoto was not as consoling as she had hoped. For days Sagamoto laughed and laughed, and told whomever she knew of the story. After a while, it was the talk of Miki's town. Everyone wanted to know about the infamous event between Miki and Yakishiri. It was almost mythical in nature. No one believed it could actually be real. People started coming to Miki and told her they would pay her money to see this again.
Epiphany.
The lightbulb finally went off in Miki's head. This was her big break. This idea, while utterly disgusting and repulsive in nature, could be what got her impoverished Okinawan family a better life.
So, on a warm spring day, Miki went to her local grocer, bought three Unagi sushi rolls, three kappa maki rolls, and three bottles of yoo-hoo.
The rest is history.