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Out of context: Reply #67310
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- shellie5
This doesn't happen often but I met someone through a friend that I'm extremely attracted to and I suspect he felt the same. I'm in a relationship, something I did not hide and happy to share with anyone I meet right away. I'm pretty comfortable with plain old vanilla monogamy and have no problem staying true to my commitments. He wants to be friends but I suspect that's a very bad idea -- why tempt myself? He wanted to buy some of my art and reminded me a handful of times before I left. I think I'm going to have to ignore that request. I think it's just a ploy to see me again, possibly alone without our mutual friend. I'm sad that we can never be friends which sucks because we have so much in common, including archery (something my bf never does with me) and I know we could have a lot of fun together as just friends. I just don't think that's the kind of "friend" he's looking for. I do love my current boyfriend immensely. I also believe it's completely normal to find others attractive outside of a relationship. We are only human. But, the last time this happened I just ghosted, blocked, and avoided common hangouts until the other guy completely disappeared. I was kinda young then. There might be a better way to deal with this (like talking it out with dude and my bf separately), but it seems too complicated for everyone for me to bother, could be jealously inducing and I don't like playing games with people's emotions. What would you do?
Signed,
All The Feelings- Hi Shellie, I feel you and have had different kind of relationships.oey
- But I miserably sort of failed in many ways. Still I have an advice for you if I may:oey
- Check first which are you're needs and wishes. Check what's inside you that makes you react to things...oey
- ...in a certain way, where does it come from. And communication. So you are on the right path.oey
- Talk about those things with your boyfriend as it seems to me that you're okay with it.oey
- Talk with the other guy but not about everything, just about what's to do with him.oey
- But yes, do it honestly and clear without leaving any sort of doubts if there's no doubts.oey
- Wish you the best and success with this.oey
- Someone once told me that people are not like different sorts of chocolate that you want to try.oey
- Though I love chocolate I can not eat them all!oey
- I think we are all adult to do what you're suggesting oey. But knowing my partner and the fact that he hasnt dealt with this in our 11 yrs...shellie
- Nice picture by the way, you are very handsome.oey
- And, I wouldn't buy your art but would trade if I had anything as good.oey
- I feel somehow guilty already for potentially stoking insecurity in my partner. He'll try to hide it, but it'll eat him alive I know it.shellie
- Yes, insecurity it's a fuck up, I know. I have had that problem too.oey
- Some people say if it's not important don't mention it. But I don't know.oey
- But if you feel attracted that makes you think about your feelings and that's sort of important already cause it makes you question things.oey
- So I understand if your boyfriend feels insecure but he should also feel that you are an open and honest person that...oey
- ...loves him and cares. Now what he will use and what he will feed I can not tell.oey
- I'm not the secret keeping type. I'd want to know if my bf had a new female bestie especially if I wasn't a big part of that. It's happened beforeshellie
- I was cool about it but also low key jealous. Come to find out later one chick tried her best (and failed) to steal him away. She was later cut off.shellie
- So I can understand what it's like with the shoe on the other foot bc I've been there.shellie
- Adults hah:D you need to talk with those guys, both of them.. 1st is somebody is saying that he can't be your friend because of his dick, say good bye.sted
- Nah he didn't say that he couldn't be friends. I just don't want to be an insufferable tease, something I've always been sensitive about around men in general.shellie
- 2nd if you're saying this, it's obvious that you know your self enough. say good bye.sted
- stupid character limit :Dsted
- He tried to flirt strait away. I shut him down. He was a perfect gentlemen the rest of the night. Can't tell if he's going for the long game tho. Men are men.shellie
- and you're thinking along preconceptions :D nothing in the world is wrong with an innocent flirting,sted
- Is flirting innocent though? I hate when people (especially females) act like they don't know their power to move ppl.shellie
- I think Homer has my answer. https://media.giphy.…shellie
- flirting is exciting, harmless aand filthy :D I believe it's innocent as long as it's not leading to anything physical.sted
- or someone gets an erection as the used to say. I think if you really love your bf he should be the first one who knows about this regardless of the sequel :)sted
- I mean if you can talk about it as an adult, and there would be a place in your life for that guy...sted
- the rest is up to him, your intentions are clear, you can't lose anything :)sted
- Sounds like you have a very rational way of looking at these types of things, which sadly a lot of women don't, so respect for that.set
- Sadly monogamy is a completely unnatural thing bestowed upon us by religion. It's sad that we have to miss out on potentially wonderful new...set
- ... relationships because we're all still so brainwashed by religious dogma. It seems like your course of action, however unfortunate, would be..set
- .. the best and easiest way to keep your boyfriend. Unless of course he's super cool and secure and you talk with him openly. Tough though...set
- sort of respectfully disagree above. I think there is something immensely spiritual about sticking and growing with someone.mugwart
- authority/religion warped this to their needs IMHO and now we cant distinguish between. Which is sadmugwart
- Things happen Shellie, things come in to test (not being Christian here). If your tempted it might mean there is something off keel in your current relationshipmugwart
- find out what it is and work on this. You never now this might be a nail in a coffin. It might be a nail out as well. Try & reinvigorate and strengthen.mugwart
- my advice is to keep this man out your life till you can work this out.
Men are Men in the fact we are secretly devilish romantics and not very pratical!mugwart - I agree mugwart, everyone is different. For some people monogamy works wonderfully, obviously.set
- ^ agree with this!
As long as we respect other's emotions everything is fine in my booksmugwart - monogamy doesn't work for me.oey
- You have to be very careful shellie, as what is happening is "triangulation" and it can be toxic, avoid the dude. Keep him out of your life, IMO.robotron3k
- I'm with robo on thisOBBTKN
- interesting, i have a similar situation. and also wondering how to deal with it. dump the new friend and potentially lose a great friend?hans_glib
- or not and potentially ruin a great relationship.hans_glib
- Hans, Dump the friend. I gather it's not worth it. Over a decade for me vs a new friend, it sucks but nota hard decision. Writing through it helped my clarity.shellie