Official: QBN Smoke Free Thread

Out of context: Reply #20

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• mikotondria30

  Sometimes I think I miss it - certainly the little routine to break up tasks, and getting outside every hour or so. The expectation of a nice little bump, the taste of some nice tobacco, at the right point in the cigarette - not the start, or the short end, somewhere 2/3 to 1/2 way down. Outside, after not having had one for slightly longer than normal. Thick, rich, golden, slightly earthy, puffs in deep and huffed out with a little smoke-play. Ahh...the perfect smoke.
  Then I remember the sight of a full ashtray, and making it worse, the stench of it. The anxiety if I couldn't get to where I could smoke - the infinite scheming and calculations of air-travel, in and out of security. The sick feeling if I couldn't smoke for hours, then rushing to try and get that satisfaction, but only getting nausea and the horrid, bitter, acrid chemical taste, stench and grimy hands, $9 a pack, blast through them all and feel sick. Thinking about cancer and somehow wishing it away, trying to climb stairs and not having the breath. Coughing, and coughing cloying black things into the sink, knowing my lungs are brown and black and every one of my miles of capilliaries and arteries are smaller and my blood is thicker, and straining my heart, and filling me fuller of low-density bad cholestrol. Being a slave and convincing myself I was exercising my right to smoke. Wishing there was another way to not want to smoke, that wasn't actually smoking because in the end that's what really made me want to quit; when I realised that I only smoked to stop myself wanting to smoke. Fucking idiot.
  I got the Chantix, followed the instructions to the letter and it worked. Weird stuff, but it stops you wanting to smoke - what you do with that new-found freedom is up to you, but it allows you some thinking space that was previously taken up with addiction-satiation. I recommend it.

  mikotondria3 0Permalink

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  • That was fucking deep and well-written. Aces. Inspiring prose.dMullins

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