Annoying Office phases
Out of context: Reply #26
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- jasontroj0
My buddy wrote this a while back, I still think it's funny:
his is an ongoing list of Office Speak that I am fed up with. (Updated 11505)
1. Going Forward (moving forward) : This is a popular one, dangerously contagious in the workplace. Everytime I hear it I want to smash my head into the wall. So contagious that now I'm even hearing it used in commercials and by professional athletes in post-game interviews.
2. At The End Of The Day : Yeah, the day that never fucking ends. How about, "At the end of the day I'm packing my shit up and getting the hell out of here."
3. In Regards to... : Why does everyone in this office, and everywhere else I've ever worked, find the need to use "regards" instead of throwing in a "reference," "concerning," "refering," or "respecting" every once in while??
4. Time and Action : A fancy way of saying "I made a list of shit to do. See this list here? Yeah, its gonna take a little while to finish"
5. Touch Base : Listen, honey, its not my "base" I want you to touch, ok?
6. Can Of Worms : Oh, we're all on this fuckin' bandwagon. It makes no sense!!! Think about it, even if you could buy a can of worms, which you can't, I doubt opening it would be that big of a deal. Worms just sorta lay there, they wouldn't even be able to get out of the can. Open a can of Rabid South American Killer Bees then we'll talk.
7. I'm Not Loving It : This is what people say when they really mean, "I hate the work you've done here, it's shit." I'm always tempted to respond, in my most desperate and pitiful voice, "Well, maybe you can learn to love it?" Then I'm tempted to piss on the copy machine.
8. Radar Screen : (thanks for this one Kate) I guess giving people a "heads-up" every once in a while is too 90's. Now I'm being told to put some shit on my Radar Screen. Maybe I'll slap a black peice of paper with a green grid and circles on my wall and then stick sticky notes to it. "Yup, see there, got it on my Radar. Ooooh wait, I'm picking something up on my Sonar too, sounds like 'FUCK YOU!!!!'
9. Value Added : (Kate's on point) I think this one's a little more obscure but no less infuriating. As marketing / merchandising term its like saying, "We're going to add this $.01 button onto this jacket as to justify charging an extra $8.00 for it." You could also say, "Carl's membership in the band has low value added benefits."
10. Apples to Apples : Don't be fooled by this idioms apparent innocence. When upper management asks you to talk "apples to apples" with someone what they are really saying is "Let's put these two monkeys in a room with two-way mirrors and see how they interact." It's basically a way for company people with pension plans of asking you to utilize your specialized knowledge without giving too much credit where its due.
11. Learnings : I have died and gone to work. What the fuck is this shit? Learnings??? "That touch base meeting was hell, I wasn't loving it. I don't know that there were any new learnings from that one." You believe I gotta listen to this shit all day? It'll be a miracle if I dont intentionally walk in front of a bus today.
12. Putting Out Fires : This is a popular way to "spend all morning" isn't it? Seems like someone is always putting a fire out around here. Generally this is a trumped up way of saying "I sent a few emails out to people I was afraid to talk to in person." And who's little email arsonist, office pyromaniac starting these fucking things anyway? Good job, keep it up!
13. The Loop : You're not going to find me here very often. Oh so innocent sounding the loop is just more venomous office speak code. Let's roll the clocks back, shall we? Something to the tune of our high school days hmmm? Now, all the way back here in the past the loop was known as "the in crowd." I wasnt allowed in back then either. It was also known as the motel which offered 4 hour stays you'd go to just to have sex. "In room movies." - yeah.
14. Core Competency : (This will be my last installment) You see, having to hear these words is a big reason why I spend my mornings wishing the train would simply run off the tracks.