I ponder
Out of context: Reply #20
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- TheBlueOne0
I guess I have enough mileage between where I am now and many of my formative experiences that I can look at them again in a different light. I think at some point you simplfy ARE your formative experiences, then at some point you try to purposefully get away from them, then eventually you forget about them...but then you turn around and go "How did I get here? How much of me now came from then?" And you realize alot of that stuff from those formative experiences color and shape who you are - in good and bad ways of course.Likes, dislikes, inclinations, habits. But instead of trying to get away from them, or forget about them you, can start to actually use them.
This applies across the whole spectrum of one's life, but to narrow it down to one thing for example - I mean I've finally gotten used to the fact that what I create is just me - and has nothing to do with what I might actually like. I mean musically I love listening to heavy intense music, but when I play I'm much better with blues-jazz improv stuff. Ditto with my visual art stuff - I love ornate, messed up grungy stuff but whenever I start to make stuff it ends up being ordered, neat, simple...I can't escape it - it's simply just what comes out. What you are and what you like can be two different things. I'd much rather be able to play the heavier music with conviction, and create some complex layered looking visual stuff, but I just don't. It doesn't come out of my soul's filter. But then you really don't need to make yourself do things according to whatever internal critic you have, even though you spend years trying and failing and hitting your head against a wall. You can accept the process that you have naturally. And once I started to realize this I kinda started to feel alot more free. OK, so this sounds like weird ass navel gazing but it took a looong time to reach this place....I await the ridicule and snark...