If Jack Bauer
Out of context: Reply #5
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1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you... well amigo, you’re fucked.
10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
19.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”20.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
23. Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
26.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.29.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
30.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...31. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
32. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
33. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
34. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
35. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
36. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.37. The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
38. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
39. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
40. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
41. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
42. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
43. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
44. Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I'm capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
45. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.