blog
Out of context: Reply #5655
- Started
- Last post
- 76,740 Responses
- kingjulien0
Last night I almost broke my self-imposed seven month sobriety. I had been working for 10 hours straight - and then, after catching the 4th quarter and the ensuing two overtimes of the Suns/Clippers game - an exciting back and forth that reinforced why the playoffs are so great - I poured a tumbler of Springbank single malt and stared at the glass on my coffee table. Voices of the past and present were talking to me - go on dude, it's just one drink, everything in moderation, fuck it Rob what do you have to lose?, aren't you going to drink with me at the Radiohead concert anyway? the pills and the weed and the girls are your downfall anyway, come on, this reflective and somber you aint no fun, your work isn't any better sober what are you trying to prove with this discipline? - and then I considered the insomnia and the meds that have stopped the migraines but now have me dreaming things I never wanted to see, and I thought about my asshole brother and how I haven't spoken to him in years, and how he's probably in Acapulco again with his mistress, and my father, who when he had his heart attack several years back I didn't even care enough to inquire if he was alright, and I considered my current state- two weeks away from the move to SF, and my future roommate, who's now in rehab herself, and how if I screw up again it might be it, a life of fucking what ifs, and finally, as the images that have haunted my brain for fifteen years ended, I poured the drink down the sink, licking the rim of the glass to remind myself what could have been, in fact what it means to be alive, and retired to the empty bedroom, where I could still smell HER hair on my pillow, and curled up in the fetal position, with the director's commentary of Rushmore playing on loop, over and over, until the tremens passed once again, and at last my eyelids became heavy, and just as the sprinklers came on, and the lound smack of the paperboy's arrival, I was out, and another day had passed, one step closer to the divine.