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Julien's Black Book Volume 1
So the Smithsonian has asked for a copy of my black book for an end of the year retrospective. Ladies, if you'd like an entry please be sure your registration envelope, complete with formal wear and bikini photos, are postmarked by October 31, 2005. Gentlemen, if you'd like a copy of the book, please send $50 along with a SASE to the "You Know the King Luvs the Kids" foundation. The first 100 customers will also get a copy of Jan Michael Vincent's seminal book, How to Wear and Eyepatch and Still Keep the Ladies Moist, which isn't available in stores until the fall of 2006.Here a few of the five star entries from the black book:
A. SupahGee: haute! She can do unheard of things with a banana, and if there's an issue with an ex-girlfriend she's not above a good backhand to the dome. We've all seen her junior prom photos, and it's like a young Alyssa Milano in Who's the Boss waiting to bloom. Plus, she loves it when I do the running man in my tight OP corduyos.
B. Salisae: quirky, eccentric, mysterious yet fun, there's no hiding her affection for the King. A cross between Amelie and Juliet Binoche in Blue, this young tender loves it when you whisper Rockwell's Amadeus Amadues in her ear over a forty ounce of Old E and some chicken and waffles.
C. Brooke: brilliant illustrator, loved by millions, this celebrity sure knows how to be positive. Plus she understands meaningless butcherings of the Spanish language, and recites a great rendition of Batte Batte Chocolatte, Mm que bueno.
E. Mayo: her knowledge of microbrews is Cliff Clavinesque, she can flash a gang sign at a moment's notice, she wasn't creeped out (overtly at least) by my sweaty palms, and best of all, she has Jewish friends. This is a winner.
F. Anti-Girl: hot, brilliantly talented, and a propensity for knives, guns and violence. Enough said.
G. Jaline: so preciously young, she hasn't spoken to me since her Dad caught me throwing pebbles at her upstairs window while playing Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey, but nonetheless, her sincerity and need for the King's guidance make her a real up and comer.
H. Randoman: controversial, subversive, the stint in the penitentiary did wonders for his technique, this young chap arrives promptly with his own Kurt Rambis kneepads and posse of gangsta Canadians ready to invade any hottub in the Tr-State area.
I. Norika: Ah Norika, yes. She bit on my Woody Allen impersonation and now it's Daddeeeeeeeee this and Daddeeeeeeee that. The big question now: are there happy endings?
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(Aug 30 05, 12:51)