PVN Anthology IV
Out of context: Reply #78
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- JazX0
It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, JazX, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly worried, JazX slapped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved rod of purple balls was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, Mr Dinky. JazX had known Mr Dinky for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Mr Dinky was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... abrasive. JazX called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Mr Dinky picked up to a very unhappy JazX. Mr Dinky calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths shudder before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting JazX. Why was Mr Dinky trying to distract JazX? Because she had snuck out from JazX's with the rod of purple balls only eight days prior. It was a exotic little rod of purple balls... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before JazX got back to the subject at hand: his rod of purple balls. Mr Dinky panicked. Relunctantly, Mr Dinky invited him over, assuring him they'd find the rod of purple balls. JazX grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mr Dinky realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the rod of purple balls and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if JazX took the Jap Trap, she had take at least five minutes before JazX would get there. But if he took the bat mobile? Then Mr Dinky would be exceedingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mr Dinky was interrupted by five clueless purple monkey dish washers that were lured by her rod of purple balls. Mr Dinky cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she skillfully reached for her carrot and deftly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the bat mobile rolling up. It was JazX.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, JazX was out of the bat mobile and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Mr Dinky's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mr Dinky was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the rod of purple balls into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Mr Dinky was concerned but at least the rod of purple balls was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Mr Dinky sassily purred. With a inept push, JazX opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mr Dinky assured him. JazX took a seat just under where Mr Dinky had hidden the rod of purple balls. Mr Dinky grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But JazX was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Mr Dinky noticed a selfish look on JazX's face. JazX slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Mr Dinky felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when JazX asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the rod of purple balls right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on JazX's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. JazX nodded with fake acknowledgement...th en, before Mr Dinky could react, JazX deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The rod of purple balls was plainly in view.
JazX stared at Mr Dinky for what what must've been two seconds. Absolutely thrilled, Mr Dinky groped indiscriminately in JazX's direction, clearly desperate. JazX grabbed the rod of purple balls and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mr Dinky let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, JazX,' she rebuked. Mr Dinky always had been a little stupid, so JazX knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mr Dinky did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his rod of purple balls tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Mr Dinky looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from JazX. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for JazX. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mr Dinky walked over to the window and looked down. JazX was gone.
Just yonder, JazX was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Mr Dinky's place. JazX had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral purple monkey dish washers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the rod of purple balls. One by one they latched on to JazX. Already weakened from his injury, JazX yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of purple monkey dish washers running off with his rod of purple balls.
About eleven hours later, JazX awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and JazX did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting bush, JazX was exceedingly lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his rod of purple balls was taken by the purple monkey dish washers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy purple monkey dish washer emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha purple monkey dish washer. JazX opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the purple monkey dish washer sunk its teeth into JazX's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from JazX's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Mr Dinky was entombed by anguish over the loss of the rod of purple balls. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a heroic thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about JazX... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the rod of purple balls that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant purple monkey dish washers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
MrDinky
(Nov 5 05, 20:22)- Tollbox®organicgrid
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