misery
Out of context: Reply #1
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- Hym0
My brother went from bad to worse over the years, in the past it were things i could still deal with although they were shocking too, going from heavy drug use to trashing my computers to some horrific self mutilations (too gruesome to tell). At those stages justice jumped in and psychiatry so it was supposed to get better. But it's really been a downward spiral.
I think the thing that keeps him from being helped is that he's rather smart, a great manipulator, and now that skill has caused all the trouble. After spending many months in psychiatry he was released and seemed very stable at least compared to the times he had a psychosis. Weekly he had to go to a psychiatrist for check and taking his drugs, but he found a way to convince the doctor to decrease the medication.
So he found his fucked up self again i think. 3 days ago he behaved very weird and i tried to keep him inside but at night he slipped out. I went to look for him on the usual places but didn't find him, going back home fearing the moment he returns and learning about his new endeavor. And now the crap part. I get a call from the hospital. The fucker tried suicide, but not really a way you would do it, so it failed (I'm not even sure if that's good). He threw himself into traffic on a freeway, car hit him and legs broken, lungs collapsed, head fractured, in coma on a respiration device, going through heart surgery to repair aorta but alive. Words can't describe the feeling seeing your family in such state. I don't even think I should try.
The images go like knives into my head, it's all there maybe even crispier than the memory of the person so unfortunate to hit him, who also was at the hospital very traumatized obviously, the angst on his face alone said enough.
Anyway I feel crap and doomed to idle, I canceled all projects I could, outsourced others, trying to finish those that are too dependent on me but I it's hard to do anything. Consciously I can't blame myself but you know in the back of your head there are always if's and when you set those aside there are the future if's, it all looks crap now. If he survives this I fear that he wont change and just go back to his old habits and end up wanting to die again, this is my kid brother, the one I grew up with and went trough all the shit with, I can't just give up on that.
People that know me, please do not visit nor call, I want to be alone, internet is enough. Don't worry about me, I only hate not being sure about future and having to drop my work for now, my freelance gig was going to end anyway, I demanded too much of myself but I didn't want it to change like this.
Damn retarded psychiatrist.
I keep on thinking that maybe i would have ended up the same if i started drugs and not focus on actual things i love, maybe that's why i can't let go of him.