Simply Hedge™
Out of context: Reply #6
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- hiimerik0
Customer (sympathetically) Poor chap.
Barber Yes, pity really, I always preferred the outdoor life. Hunting, shooting, fishing. Getting out there with a gun, slaughtering a few of God's creatures - that was the life. Charging about the moorland, blasting their heads off.
Cut to a large country house. A number of sportin' gentlemen dressed in huntin' tweed and carrying shotguns come out, casually firing the guns at random. They climb into a land-rover and drive off. Cut to huntin' country. A line of beater moves towards the camera; as they do so several young couples leap up out of the undergrowth and run away. Shots of hunters stalking their prey and shooting. One of them breaks his gun into two pieces. Another fires into the air. An egg lands on his head. Cut to two duellists (with pistols) and a referee standing between them. They fire; the referee falls dead. A huntin' gentleman fires into the air, falls over backwards; a young couple gets up from close behind him and run away. Another huntin' gentleman is arguing defensively with a pilot who has just landen by parachute. A hunter fires into some bushes; a Red Indian pops up and runs away in alarm. They all return to the house, legs and arms variously in plaster and bandaged. Two of them carry a pole between them from which is slung a very small bird. The picture of the outside of the house freezes and we pull back to reveal that it is a photo on a stand, by which stands the knight in armour, expectantly flexing his raw chicken. The floor manager comes up to him.
Floor Manager I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.
Knight looks dejected, droops and slinks off, still holding chicken. He walks past a hen house from wherein we hear a voice.
Voice And now for something completely different.
Cut to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting - ha ha - soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.
Victor Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?
Iris Oh no, no, not at all.
Victor Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.
Iris Oh, do you really mean that?
Victor I do, I do, I do. I think... I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Iris Oh Victor.
Victor It's silly isn't it?
Iris No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.
Victor No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...
Iris Oh, oh Victor.
Victor Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell rings) Who can that be?
Iris Oh, well you try and get rid of them.
Victor Yes I will, I will.
Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.
Arthur Hello!
Victor Hello.
Arthur Remember me?
Victor No I'm...
Arthur In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?
Victor No, I don't I'm afraid.
Arthur Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.
Victor Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.
Arthur (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?
Victor Really...
Arthur (to Victor) Is that your wife?
Victor Er, no, actually.
Arthur Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.
Victor I beg your pardon?
Arthur Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)
Victor Look, look, we put that on.
Arthur Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?
Victor I beg your pardon?
Arthur What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Liberty Bell March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.
The doorbell rings again.
Victor Who the hell...
Arthur I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.
Victor Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.
Arthur Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!
He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.
Mr Equator Good evening. My name is Equator, Mr Equator Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.
Audrey Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Victor There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...
Mr Equator Who's that then?
Victor What?
Mr Equator Who's the bird?
Victor I'm...
Mr Equator You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.
Victor Now look here ...
Mr Equator Big gin please.
Arthur I'll get it.
Victor (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.
Audrey And three tins of beans for me please.
Mr Equator I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
Audrey I only want three cans.
Mr Equator Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)
Audrey (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Mr Equator It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?
(The doorbell rings again)
Victor Who the hell's that?
Mr Equator Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.
Arthur (opening door) Come on in.
In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.
Mr Freight Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.
Mr Equator Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy ...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)
Iris Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.
Mr Freight I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.
Mr Equator Is he sexy?
In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.
Mr Cook I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
Mr Equator (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.
Iris Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)
Mr Equator Blimey, she don't go much do she.
He sits in chair which collapses.
Audrey Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em
Mr Cook The goat's just done a bundle.
A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.
Victor Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!
Mr Equator I beg your pardon?
Victor I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.
Mr Equator I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong...
All (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...
Cut to 'It's' man
Spanish Voices (in Spanish) Look out, there are llamas!