American People :/
- Started
- Last post
- 171 Responses
- sureshot3
- damnit i want to see the rest!CygnusZero4
- https://www.youtube.…dorf
- wtfi_was
- utopian4
- https://www.youtube.…PonyBoy
- what the fuck is that pole doing in the lake?...and that dude sucks..eyes closed i could of made that catch.cbass99
- looks like they're standing on a dock (dipshits tossing the beer)... old dock pole or boat tie-offPonyBoy
- Murican flag proudly waving.utopian
- lets make a cool gif... whoops... fail windeathboy
- broken ribs for surefyoucher1
- He had one job!utopian
- valentim-8
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
- this wasn't funny last weekFax_Benson
- you american aren't you?valentim
- nopeFax_Benson
- So, whats your problem then?valentim
- god, shave the queenscarabin
- eryx0
- could just throw a tungsten watermelon from at them before they got to the site. we've still got some kinetic weapon satellites that we fuck over china withterry_cloth
- every once in a while. remember that unexplained enourmous factory explosion a couple of months agoterry_cloth
- ^ link?moldero
- prophetone0
- Sadly not true:
http://www.snopes.co…sausages - i kno, it's onionish-ly good thoprophetone
- Sadly not true:
- pango4
- Murikkka is the new ISIS!utopian
- Don't worry murika! You still have us your friendly neighbor.pango
- To put things in better perspective, the USA is only 5% of the world's population.. and has achieved 95% of the world's hatebliznutty
- yet everyone wants to be like us. nerp.yurimon
- Because they are sheeples!pango
- wtf, Australia?detritus
- most of the countries in white would agree as wellMilan
- Africa has lions and tigers eating their children, they don't got time fo datmoldero
- i_monk2
American designer Doug Foreman, has created a new way of spraying real butter on whatever surface you want, like toast, popcorn, cooking pans, etc...
After asking himself “what if we could re-imagine the way people store and use butter?”, he designed the biem Butter Sprayer, which allows you to place a stick of butter inside the device, that then melts the butter when you need it.
- utopian3
Americans Rank Dead Last in Problem-Solving With Technology!
A new report finds U.S. workers rank dead last among 18 industrial countries when it comes to “problem solving in technology-rich environments,” or using digital technology to evaluate information and perform practical tasks. The consequences of that emerging competitive disadvantage is energizing the volatile undercurrent of this year’s presidential race, some observers say.
- Drumpf1
Shameless Dad, 26, With 14 Kids Can’t Do Community Service Due To ‘Sore Back’
A shameless dad pleaded with a court not to be jailed as he has fathered 14 children by the age of 26.
Feckless Lee Anderson pleaded for leniency from the Dunfermline Sheriff Court after failing to complete a community service order after being committed for violent offences, but was sent to prison for four months.
Anderson, from Cowdenbeath, had been hauled before the court after failing to complete the community service, which involved building work, even though the offences happened almost four years ago.
Anderson’s lawyer said he had a ‘sore back’.
However he produced no medical proof of his ailment and the court sent him to prison for the first time.
After hearing Anderson had no medical proof he had a bad back, the Sheriff told Anderson he had run out of chances.
‘ You have completely failed to comply.’
Among the convictions, which all dated back to when he lived in Orkney in 2012, were assault and causing a disturbance by shouting and swearing.
The Sun reported that Sheriff Craig McSherry was also unimpressed by Anderson’s seedy lifestyle saying: ‘He’s 26 and he claims to have fathered 14 children. I don’t suppose he pays anything to them?’
Anderson’s lawyer Elaine Buist replied: “I think he only sees one of them.”
The court also heard that his name does not appear on any birth certificates.
- http://www.thesun.co…imbecile
- Scottishimbecile
- Please don't let him be black, please don't let him be black...ArmandoEstrada
- Yes!!!!!ArmandoEstrada
- sureshot2
- that's actually cool as shitdrake-von-drake
- I love Kenny powersmoldero
- sofakingback0
Im... just gonna... go ahead and leave this here...
I'll be right back for it... nobody watch it or form opinions based on its content...
... I'm just leaving it here. I'll be back for it.
- freedom-2
- making america great again!monospaced
- Uhmmm how about "Hope & Change", isn't that more fitting? Where was Obamacare when he needed it, if this shit is true. LMFAO at the bias here.drake-von-drake
- @ponyboy, you were saying... lmfao, it's still Bush's and now Trump's fault. Ffs!drake-von-drake
- Yes, lets all laugh at the situation that drove a homeless man to commit crime just to get hospital treatment. Let us all have a big fucking laugh.face_melter
- You're missing the point. Look at who is in power, at this point. Duhhh... Hope and Fucking Change.... riiight!!drake-von-drake
- Where was his "Obamacare" card, when he needed it???????drake-von-drake
- You're right, he shouldn't need a card, there should be universal healthcare for everyone, no bs insurance business controlling things.formed
- I agree with drake, there should be universal healthcare.sofakingback
- yeah, drake, you're right, we should vote for bernie and make sure this guy has universal healthcaremonospaced
- drake-von-drake0
- Didn't you know you aren't aloud to make black people look bad?Hayoth
- utopian0
- fear of flying? bath salts?sarahfailin
- /\ You take bath salts to alleviate fear of flying.ben_
- pcpmonospaced
- now if this were a man or a person of color, this would be another story completely...robotron3k
- I'm not sure there's much of a story here in the first place. But how would it be different?monospaced