misery
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- Hym
I can't get my mind off my younger brother. I've been always a bit responsible for him ever since we lost our parents, I dealt with that ok but clearly he did not and now he reached his peak of horrors. Which really pushed me in a situation i never imagined.
I've been trying get my concentration back but it's failing so i want try this approach. I'm not in the mood to tell anybody but it maybe helps..
Sorry for using this place to dump misery. People not in the mood for shit, simply should not read on, it won't help you. I doubt anybody can say anything that can make me feel better but maybe the act itself will, I don't know, I can't feel worse anyway.
- Hym0
My brother went from bad to worse over the years, in the past it were things i could still deal with although they were shocking too, going from heavy drug use to trashing my computers to some horrific self mutilations (too gruesome to tell). At those stages justice jumped in and psychiatry so it was supposed to get better. But it's really been a downward spiral.
I think the thing that keeps him from being helped is that he's rather smart, a great manipulator, and now that skill has caused all the trouble. After spending many months in psychiatry he was released and seemed very stable at least compared to the times he had a psychosis. Weekly he had to go to a psychiatrist for check and taking his drugs, but he found a way to convince the doctor to decrease the medication.
So he found his fucked up self again i think. 3 days ago he behaved very weird and i tried to keep him inside but at night he slipped out. I went to look for him on the usual places but didn't find him, going back home fearing the moment he returns and learning about his new endeavor. And now the crap part. I get a call from the hospital. The fucker tried suicide, but not really a way you would do it, so it failed (I'm not even sure if that's good). He threw himself into traffic on a freeway, car hit him and legs broken, lungs collapsed, head fractured, in coma on a respiration device, going through heart surgery to repair aorta but alive. Words can't describe the feeling seeing your family in such state. I don't even think I should try.
The images go like knives into my head, it's all there maybe even crispier than the memory of the person so unfortunate to hit him, who also was at the hospital very traumatized obviously, the angst on his face alone said enough.
Anyway I feel crap and doomed to idle, I canceled all projects I could, outsourced others, trying to finish those that are too dependent on me but I it's hard to do anything. Consciously I can't blame myself but you know in the back of your head there are always if's and when you set those aside there are the future if's, it all looks crap now. If he survives this I fear that he wont change and just go back to his old habits and end up wanting to die again, this is my kid brother, the one I grew up with and went trough all the shit with, I can't just give up on that.
People that know me, please do not visit nor call, I want to be alone, internet is enough. Don't worry about me, I only hate not being sure about future and having to drop my work for now, my freelance gig was going to end anyway, I demanded too much of myself but I didn't want it to change like this.
Damn retarded psychiatrist.
I keep on thinking that maybe i would have ended up the same if i started drugs and not focus on actual things i love, maybe that's why i can't let go of him.
- determinedmoth0
It sounds like he's been beyond your influence for a long time fella.
That is some horrible stuff to have to deal with without the support of parents. Is there any other family? You need to think about yourself too you know.
I hope this situation works out for the better.
- paraselene0
best of luck, hym. i agree with moth that you have to think about yourself, too.
you're no good to your brother if you let yourself go off the rails and become depressed about it.
take care of yourself.
- bitnik0
het beste man ... wss niet, maar als er iets is dat ik kan doen ...
- Kuz0
:'(
- rtrotteruk0
A few years ago a similar thing happened to one of my friends, they would never exibit any problems but occasionaly they would talk about suicide. We all tried to get to the bottom of it and help.
At the end of the day the only person that could help him was himself. One evening after a row in the pub he steped in front of a car.
No one can imagine the feelings you have now. You'll always feel responsible for younger siblings, but at some point they start making their own choices.
The future is exactly that, no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year. Don't push yourself, things will start to come into focus in time - you have obvisously dealt with a lot in the past and seem to have handled it well. You'll handle this too but you can't rush the way you have to deal with this.
I think you are right to share this, and that there is very little anyone can say. I was compelled to respond i can't imagine how you must feel right now but wanted to offer some thoughts.
The act of sharing immediately relieves some of the pressure.
There are always people willing to help even if it is from the end of a keyboard.
Hang in there, give yourself time to breathe, your work will wait and you can make your future what you want it to be.