perspective
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- kingjulien
With all the deaths, tragedy, divorce, separation, disease, and depression, I'd thought I'd offer something more disparaging so everybody can see what real turmoil and despair are, not this other petty shit....)
Last week this young lady began sending me emails, daily, sometimes hourly, about what a fan she was. She had stumbled across my site, read my ramblings, studied every photograph, and was convinced we were kindred spirits. As most of you know, emails like this are flattering. I mean how often does some random person compliment your work, unsolicited? How often is it a female, wanting your body?
So every time she wrote me, I emailed her back with some bizarre ramblings, about how pink my balls are, or how I shave them like smooth marbles, or how they look when I stuff them inside my designer speedos, the extra larges with the baby blue stripe across the front. Basically for every contact she got a 2 paragragh digression about my sack. She loved it, and kept writing back, telling me I was a genius, telling me it was our destinies that we should be together.
I guess Saturday night her 4 college roommates were going out of town, and she told me that I should come over. We could watch French films, chomp Vicodin, eat pasta and dance the tango with our minds. I went to a concert that night, so I said I couldn't come till after the bars closed. Would she mine me being drunk when I arrived? She said she she wouldnt. I was in.
The whole time I was going on the premise that she was hot. I mean, she had to be, who would do such a thing if she wasn't confident in her appearance, and yet I didn't want to be surprised, or placed in an awkward position. It was then that I asked for a picture. At that point, things got disturbing.
I received this photo of a 375 pound black woman, a cross between Star Jones and Shirley from What's Happening. No wait, we're talking a black Gilbert Grape's mother, immovable in her upstairs bedroom. Worse, she took a self-portrait in some lingerie, and in the image all I could see was a little white line around the bottom and skin everywhere, stretched and jiggly, all dark and thick like Nestle's Quick. It's bad when youy get seduced by a chunky but funky, but when you see those rolls, and realize that she hasn't seen her toes since Ghostbusters was tearing up the box office, you begin to do things with your mouth, like vomit little chunks of split pea soup--and then catch it midway and swallow, and you want curl up in a little ball and forget the whole experience. You want to drill a hole in your head and pretend nothing happened.
At this point, call my pessimistic, call me cynical, but I think I'm gonna leave groupies alone for awhile. Seriously. I'm going back to strippers and models; they may be crazy but at least i know I'm getting something hawt.
- Jaline0
omg Star Jones
:/
- gruntt0
oh man, that was just taragee.
she always sends out that photo just to make sure you only love her for her money.
- kbags0
zing!
- brandelec0
soooooooo..
you hit it right?
- lifeinbinary0
hahaha brilliant! thanks for the laugh.
- jox0
SO WHERE IS THE PHOTO?
- kingjulien0
No, I didn't crush, but I told my buddy about it, thinking it would be a good laugh, and then he confessed his perversion with big boned women, and before you know i, he was taking her email and phone number and who knows what happened next? Maybe they tried to recreate that scene from Road Trip.
- mogwai0
bahahaha
if it sounds to good to be true....
- ********0
I'm in
- gruntt0
be honest. you hit it like a foster child, didn't ya?
- ********0
you didn't think she was hot because she was black?
- BonSeff0
but what if she looked like nell carter? nell carter was hott
- jox0
Yeah, you woulda humped it like a bunny if it was a latina tubby, wouldntcha!
- ********0
write a book julien.
seriously.
- kingjulien0
Yeah I'm kinda in to latinas who have pouches between their waist and their tummies. I call them flautas....
- kingjulien0
Thanks, MX_Ond.
- ********0
omg. same thing happened to me king. not from the same gal though but same type of thing.
yes. write a book.
- anzelina0
flautas!
- jox0
Come to think of it, a fat woman stalked me the other day. Well, it wasn't as much stalking as it was bumping into.
It was in the hygiene aisle and I was like HEY CHUBBY, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TRAIN STATION? LOOK - YOU'RE KNOCKING OVER SHAMPOO BOTTLES WITH YOUR DAMN SIZE!
- ********0
dude, this 300 pound black woman who lives in Oakland fell in love with my friend Rory on MySpace.com... similar story...
too funny, i wonder if it was the same chick