Like That
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- kingjulien
Growing up, my mom was a teacher. It seems like every school I attended she would begin teaching there the year after I left, which always presented some problems, especially when I graduated high school, and she had several of my ex-girlfriends in her class. Eventually she settled in at a junior high school around the corner from our house, where she worked until retirement.
The problem with working so close to home, especially at that grade level, is that when kids find out where you live, they plan secret expeditions in the middle of the night. They teepee your house, they egg your cars, and they ring your doorbell at all hours of the night, thinking they're funny.
That's what sucked for me, when I was home from college during the summers. My Mom would go back east, I would house sit, and every so often, in late May or early June, I would awake to the house covered in toilerpaper, and my car marinating in egg yolk. Each time I would call my mom, vent, and then venture outside in the humid summer heat. I would pull down the paper--sometimes it was double-ply and tough as hell--hose down the car and yard, and try not to make eye contact with the neghbors who passed on their way to work. The whole time I would curse to myself, swearing revenge. Just once, I wanted to shake some kid until his vertebrae snapped. Only then would I be at peace.
The thing is, I was a little bastard too when I was that age, so of course it's poetic justice. Of course. But, what I object too is that it's still happening, even two years after my mom retired. Kids grow up, get cars, drink wine coolers, try to impress their floozies, and the next thing you know, in a burst of nostagic fury, they're at my mom's house, planning their evil deeds.
Last weekend my mom went to San Francisco, and being the 30 year old leech that I am, I went over there to get away from everything. Saturday night around 11:30, after working all day, I decided to barbecue a steak and enjoy the back yard. It was hot, and nobody was around, so I lounged in nothing but my boxers, listening to Zeppelin's The Song Remains the Same. I finished cooking, grabbed a steak knife, and settled in on the couch. Sportcenter had just begun.
Suddenly two bites into my fillet there was this banging on the door, three loud knocks. Since I lived in Oakland for 5 years, I assumed they were gunshots, and dove to the floor. Then I realized it was the little runts, demolishing the house. I ran outside to find 3 kids walking back to their car--one of those lowered Preludes. I must have looked crazy to them, because when they saw me racing towards them in nothing but boxers, my steak knife gripped in hand, their eyes got all big, and they hurried into the getaway car. There was this one fat kid, and he had a hard time keeping up with the gang, so he had to Pete Rose it through the side window as it took off. I was determined though, and kept running. Before long it was clear I couldn't catch them. I stopped. The fat kid leaned his fat head out the window, laughed, and flipped me off. Barefoot, wearing nothing but these 2 year old blue gap boxers, a steak knife still in fighting position, I wondered what the neghbors would think if they saw me like this, and thought about those little kids and what they were saying about me now that they were safe. I then shook my head, went inside, and drank myself a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
- brandelec0
that's a great story
gaaad i wish you caught the fat one though!!
- kingjulien0
Thanks. Yeah, if I caught the round one, I would be doing 15-20 right now...
- instantok0
my friend's older brother used to hide on the roof behind a tree with the hose on halloween...he caught lots of those kinds of kids...
- QuincyArcher0
i shoot rubber bands at the drunk people that walk by my house.
- Neuarmy0
funny stuff kj -
- kingjulien0
I wish I had you guys as my posse the other night.
- ********0
you should have thrown the knife at him ninja style. stuck him right in the ass.
haha.
great story though. funny how life throws you funny little curveballs once in a while to keep you on your toes.
- ********0
Good story. Here's one for you.
I was one of those kids!
GRRRRRRRRR!!!
- Kirshar0
If it's any consolation, my dad was principal of our high school, which was right down the street, and I grew up enduring the same inanity.
I too have a boxer story, only it was nighttime, my boxers had glow-in-the-dark what-nots all over them, and my footrace extended across three backyards (sans steakknife) until I caught one guy who ran out of gas and dustrolled across a lawn, the darkness hid his true size until he stood back up, twice my height and weight, only then did I decide not to press the issue that time since I didn't have a ready weapon.........
- mogwai0
ha. doesn't it suck being the old guy in boxers?
its so much more fun on the other end.
- mattyd0
yo kj, check your mail.
- scarabin0
summarize pls
- MrWhite0
maybe you should just get your own place and leave mom alone.
- kingjulien0
Thanks guys.
Scarabin, I know 3 minutes of your time is probably too much to ask. Perhaps you should just ignore it.
MrWhite, um, it should be clear, if you read this, that I do have my own place. Maybe speed reading isn't always the best approach.
- ********0
funny, and left wondering with the neighbors thinking about what the kids thought of you chasing them.
- plashal0
great storie. thanks for posting
- ********0
INSTANT CLASSIC!
lol
good story though, really.
i was reading through your posts the other night (after clicking your profile and then PVN topics)... some great stuff in there... too bad it only goes back 3 months
peace
- mitsu0
The phrase, 'like that', was uttered two or three times in the movie, Collateral. Useless information, I know, but it just kind of caught my attention. I bought the movie on a recommendation - how many times will i make that mistake... and in case you're wondering, I no longer own that movie.
- rabattski0
Pabst Blue Ribbon?
sooooo white trash.
- mitsu0
no, bud light is white trash. PBR is emo.