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Out of context: Reply #75046
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- Horp24
Loneliness.
I learned quite a lot about myself through the experience of becoming a parent.
Many years back... the 90s really and maybe the first part of the 00s... I was very social, always out, and I always needed to be the crucible for a great time - that was my social role. I had a long stint as a hedonist. Mild hedonism but always full throttle and out every single night.
When that all stopped for parenting reasons, I came to realise that that aspect of my personality was fake. Manufactured. I had a kind of shtick as the party person that I felt obligated to embody because people expected that of me.
It felt like a relief to stop. After a bunch of years though, once my kids were too old to think I was the premium knowledge and entertainment centre of the whole universe, a sense of loneliness and isolation kicked in. Nobody "needed" me any more and I had no desire to start drinking hard and dancing every night to resume my old role in life.
I got into old cars for something to occupy my time, and I loved that for a while. But there's a scene, and the scene is social, and I found myself in that scene.
But it didn't help much ultimately, because I just felt no sense of common ground with the people in that scene.
The classic cars people were all ludicrous caricatures of a stuffy conservative preservationist Britain.
The Hot rod guys who should be cool as fuck were all fat little boors arguing over who had their carburetor set right.
The muscle car guys were all absurd one dimensional tough guy personas learned from the movies, but in the bodies of Hobbits.
The entire ecosystem of old car people was a game of one upmanship and a battle to be regarded as the most bestest ever expert, and almost all of them, racist as absolute fuck.
Was it better to be part of that scene or better to just be by myself...
I did make one friend, very local to me, who seemed a bit less absurd than most other people who devote their entire lives to obsessing over some car from 50 years back. John. He seemed okay, and we struck up a friendship.
But man he would not fucking leave me alone. If we went for a beer one Friday evening, as far as he was concerned we were going to do that every Friday evening from then on. If there was a car thing, we HAD to go together. He'd get all pissy if I said I didn't want to go for a beer, or if I worked on my car and didn't tell him, or if I just quietly decided to go to a car thing and didn't mention it to him. He'd be really irritated because it was breaking his rules of the friendship. I'd find myself having these absurd long text based arguments with him, like we were teenagers in love.
He would also knock on my door at almost any fucking moment, unannounced, and say he was just dropping in for a cup of tea. The longer time passed, the more he did that. It became almost daily, and some days he did it twice.
John found himself on my ex list, and eventually, he got the message, but he doubled down on all of his bullshit until the penny finally dropped.
I joined a local BMX social group for first gen riders like myself. Old blokes, who mostly had original 1980s BMX. We'd meet up. It was so amazing to see all those bikes I coveted in the 80s, which I had never once laid eyes on back in the day.
But same thing there... man could they fucking argue and bitch and quibble and get upset with each other because of Araya rims on a Profile hub or Hutch beartraps on a Skyway or whatever. It was fucking ridiculous. They just fell out with each other constantly.
better to be part of that social group? or better to learn to use my own time in a way that benefitted me and gave me enjoyment.
Doing contract work in agencies, you get the opportunity to join in with socialising with the company.
Some lovely people in many of those places, but you go out for drinks after work and what do people do? They fucking bitch about work and everything that's wrong and who is to blame and how frustrated they are. The more drunk they get, the more into it they get until I find I'm just sat there politely absorbing somebody else's anger and frustration and negative energy, and nodding and sympathising and offering perspectives AND BUYING THE FUCKING DRINKS TOO.
Is that better than solitude?
Eventually I learned to enjoy the solitude I had.
I don't want to feel connected and socially engaged with people. I want people to leave me the fuck alone.
Learn to master and appreciate solitude. You don't need to fill it with humans, you need to fill it with things you like to do.
- Fucking great share and read, thanks Horp. Your description of the car crowd mirrors my experience of car ppl in Oz, but you have a way with words I do not.BuddhaHat
- I share little in common with the party groups from my youth, though I do still see them from time to time at birthdays ending in 0.BuddhaHat
- I agree with your sentiment about finding things I like to do and want to learn more about. The cure to boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.BuddhaHat
- "There is no cure for curiosity"
So true!Horp - (To be fair, not ALL of the car people were awful, but there were enough awful ppl on the car scene to make it not worth being engaged with it)Horp
- :)islandbridge
- I feel you man. At 47 I have come to accept that I only have one good friend. The rest of my time I spend at work, at home, or out with my wife somewhere nice.HijoDMaite
- And that’s ok. I enjoy my hobbies and sharing them in some sm groups. That’s enough stimulation for me nowadays.HijoDMaite
- thanks for sharingmilfhunter
- Funny. I just noticed that with my car-friends I don't really talk that much about cars. More about everything else. And with my workfriends I talk about cars.Longcopylover
- I think it's the mix that makes it fine for me. But I feel you, I also like to be on my own very often. Just with my rides, thoughts and nothing/noone else.Longcopylover
- As I was reading this (a great and very personal read) I enjoyed the mystery of who wrote it. Horp, enjoy that solitude, I know I enjoy mine.Ramanisky2
- Wise words, I'm not a fan of unannounced visits. Yeah needy cunts like John can fuck off :)mrAtor
- Great words Horp, enjoyed reading it, and put on an accomplice smile in my faceOBBTKN
- Am older, you will know fewer people as you get older, that's how it is. Distinguish between needing some company vs desperate not to be alone....comicsans
- The 1st is normal, the 2nd is a problem. I enjoy solitude, possibly too much, was never that gregarious.comicsans
- I think its awesome you are into old cars and vintage bmx. We share that passion.
I have a 51 chevy and now I restore old Japanese dirtbikes from the 80s for fuBonSeff - fun. But in terms of the groups, just enjoy them for what they are. Maybe recalibrate your expectations. No reason why you shouldn't enjoy yourself in such aBonSeff
- cool scene. Let the douchebags be douchebags and roll with it.BonSeff
- I think you've aged into Holden Caulfield.hotroddy
- Very well written post. This line got me: "once my kids were too old to think I was the premium knowledge and entertainment centre of the whole universe.."stoplying
- ^ Not looking forward to that day at all.stoplying
- Hahaha Hotroddy
Stoplying: it comes anyway, whichever way you choose to look. *hugz*Horp - Horp and John: https://www.hollywoo…_niko
- Great postdee-dubs
- Solitude is something that I crave! Maybe someday I'll miss people but at this stage of life/work, I just want to be left alonemisterhow
- Niko, re "Horp and John" so funny but when I watched that movie that's what I thought. Doesn't cast me in a good light but yeah, it was like that.Horp
- Had to read it again with a bit more clear head after a rough morning. I can relate to this on so many levels.islandbridge
- Solitude have always been my life companion and place for reflection and change, but lately been darker place than usual. Thank you!islandbridge
- The more time i spend with people the more i like animalsscarabin
- Hey if it feels like it's getting darker then you ought to habe a consultation with somebody. Talking therapy is good, better than pills.Horp
- the more time i spend with animals, the more scratches i have on my hands.pango
- ^
scarab... remember, humans are animals tooOBBTKN - upvotedCalderone2000