blog

Out of context: Reply #66963

  • Started
  • Last post
  • 75,621 Responses
  • KONY2

    Inside a marriage that is not working the way it’s supposed to.

    Been almost five years married.
    She has two kids of her own.
    Perfect kids.
    I’m pretty much their father.
    Baby daddy a POS.
    We are living with her parents to save money and get out of debt. (Whatever that’s bullshit, still struggling)
    Refuses to, or doesn’t have desire to take her ex to court.
    Zero child support from baby daddy.

    The big problem is she has been struggling with meth for many years.
    she first tried it in college and has had a secret love affair with it for years.
    it's always just relapses that last a week or two and sometimes a month!
    There is always months and months in between relapses. The months of sobriety are always a time to regroup and a time for her to make leaps and bounds of progress. Then the relapse comes, and it's back to square one. This has been my life for the last four years. She is wired for a week doing God knows what around the fucking house, then crashing for another week and needing to be taken care of. Then guilt and depression for another two weeks. It's an insane cycle.

    The kids are now getting old enough to wonder WTF is going on, why is mommy sick all the time. She constantly has to call in and get her shifts covered at work (waitress), so some weeks she brings no income at all. I feel so bad for her and what she is going through, but damn it's just too much too bare now.
    She will not go to meetings unless I go with her because she feels embarrassed..
    She won't go see a counselor because she says, "I did see counselor!" (7 years ago) or things like, "Ok Help me find one" or there's, "you were supposed to help me find one." it's constant shift blaming.

    I have my issues that keep me in a state of "maybe I'm not doing enough."
    I haven't done hard drugs in years 2010 to be exact. I go through periods of weed. I've let my license expire a few times and have not renewed it for months and even years.
    Right now I haven't smoked weed since the summer and don't plan on picking it up anymore. I used to buy one $7 pre-roll of top shelf once a week. FFS that's nothing, but fine, I'm done.

    Drinking is really a non-issue for us unless we overdo it which can lead to other cravings.

    We met in 2008 and were both using a lot substances like alcohol, weed, coke and e. But like I said we both got clean in 2010. It was a combination of getting rid of friends, some program support meetings, counseling and a strong spiritual awakening.

    You see, my brother shot himself in the head after developing schizophrenia from years of using that shit. The shit is evil and disgusting, and I live with someone that it controls.

    What should be done? So far I think these are the options.

    1. She needs to go to rehab: OK so she is gone for a month? or two? then I am responsible for both kids to drive them everywhere while I have a 40 hr a week job? The in-laws help out? The kids then have to know their mother's dirty secret? The whole family has to find out and she loses her job, or maybe they let her come back who knows. This option sucks the big one, but fine I am ok with it.

    2. I tell her I am going to "separate" for a while and she needs to seek help. I put up a boundary and express that I am not responsible for her recovery. I have my own problems to deal with and I am not going to be able to help her get better she has to want to get help and be responsible for her recovery. So I have a friend that has a condo where I can stay, he is traveling for months so it's a perfect fit. This will also mean everyone finds everything out.

    3. We let this blow over, we focus on her health and recovery and making better choices and I make sure to establish some ground rules from on. Like if you do it again I'm separating or something like that.

    So # 3 is what has been done over and over and over again. I don't think it's an option anymore.

    This is killing me I am in constant stress. It's affecting my work, my ability to focus on my other businesses. I am not able to see family as much as I would like, because we always have to make sure she is going to be "feeling" ok. Endless Holidays, anniversaries, thanksgiving, birthdays and vacations while she is fucked up. I can't live like this anymore. I literally cannot drive at night or mountain roads anymore because I have anxiety attacks, I am working through these with meds, but I know if this stress wasn't in my life I would be fine. In a sense I am paralyzed by this relationship.

    Lots more to know about the situation of course, but I just thought I would get some support from you all. I know some of you have gone through this kind of thing or similar. I'm at a loss here. I guess the last step of inaction is to post your woes on QBN.

    Thanks

    p.s. switched username to an old one. I'm sure it's not hard to find my identity, but just wanted a little privacy.

    KONY 2Permalink
    UpvoteDownvote
    Flag
    • forget #3. you already know that won't work. It's between other 2Gnash
    • #1 is worth a try but from what you've outlined she's not ready for rehab.Gnash
    • It's hard to pretend to have advice not actually having been in this situation. I say a combo of #1 and #3, where you ARE full-time parent for a long time.monospaced
    • give yourself permission to go with route #2. You're not abandoning anyone. If she's going to get better it needs to happen from her, not youGnash
    • Get out of the way and let her choose a pathGnash
    • I do fear I am “abandoning” her. It’s very painful to think she may not make it and I “gave up on her”.KONY
    • Stay and you enable her to continue. leaving may actually help herGnash
    • Taking charge of the kids for as long as I need to is most likely the right thing to do.KONY
    • number 2. no question. talk to someone to help process the guilt you'll feelGnash
    • Talking charge of the kids will only enable her more. It may sound like the right thing to do, but i don;'t think it isGnash
    • she's not taking responsibility for any part of her life because she doesn't need toGnash
    • you need to step away and let her choose the pathGnash
    • the right decisions aren't the easy ones.Gnash
    • what was the first thing that let you to believe there might be a problem?//IRNlun6
    • seriously though, you sound like a kind person that's destroying their own life to help others that don't have the same desire to be helped.IRNlun6
    • There's no reason that KONY doesn't deserve the best life he can make possible for himself.IRNlun6
    • It's a real shame those kids are in that position. One of the best decisions you can make is show them that this behavior is intolerable.IRNlun6
    • KONY2020!!!pango
    • I can't offer any choice, but I was with a girl with a severe coke habit for about 5 years and she was a fucking nightmare. No amount of help I provided workedgarbage
    • I finally realized that you can't help somebody that doesn't want to help themselves. She's now living in LA chasing rich old men, is a raging alcoholic..garbage
    • ..and I still get drunk dials from her on the regular. It's been a decade since I've seen her, and I think I made the right decision.garbage
    • I'd say that keeping the "dirty secret" a secret is probably only enabling her, and it might be time for some hard truths. Best of luck with this.garbage
    • Are the inlaws equiped to take care of the kids 24/7? If you're considering separation and she isn't responsible enough to care for her kids...i_monk
    • The best thing for her might not be the best thing for you, or your marriage, or the kids.i_monk
    • Rip the band aid off.cannonball1978
    • All of those words and none of them are about how much you love this person. Think about that.Gucci
    • It sounds as if you've been done with this for a long time and are looking for permission to leave.Gucci
    • I'm also getting that your root concern is about the perception of others with little to no concern for yourself, which is bullshit.Gucci
    • Based on what I'm reading, I think I know what you need, and it sounds like you do too. It's ok to put yourself first.Gucci
    • I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like an emotionally intelligent dude. Take care of yourself and remember: you're allowed to be happy.Gucci
    • I assume taking care of yourself first before you completely burn yourself out should be top priority. It's like putting your oxygen mask on first...sofas
    • Makes sense to me that in the long run this would be the best course for you all and shouldn't be viewed as being cold or abandoning her...sofas
    • Also dealing with this on your own sounds really hard. Might be a good idea to get her parents involved. Wishing you the bestsofas
    • Can't really give advice without sounding like a smartass but when I was a kid my mom went trough several episodes of depression and still does.mekk
    • I wish they had told me earlier and didn't try to hide it and play the good family to me and school etc. Maybe I wouldn't have blamed myself for it then.mekk
    • had a bad marriage and I know the stress of debt. my ex was abusive and nastasicic and abused me. She say I was the one that hurt her. She was drunk I was sobermugwart
    • saying this to give bg as I feel I know a percentage of what your going through.mugwart
    • focus on your health and your kids health. Make sure you get the best quality you can get plus vitimens (this sounds hooky but it helps)mugwart
    • Tell her your feelings. Tell her its hurting you and your family. Tell her you will do anything for her but she has to try and help herself. Even one stepmugwart
    • Also tell her that she's crossing a line.mugwart
    • debt and financal support drives people crazy and can collapse mentalities. Take this POS to court. Get even 50 £/$ a month. It will helpmugwart
    • break cycles as well. Take up a hobby or even better self study/ night course. Give her a life she nver thought possible. Get her away from waitressingmugwart
    • move to a differnt part of the country. Clean start.mugwart
    • its brutal and raw and I left my ex and it fucked up my son. But if it is not working now it wont work 10 years unless both want itmugwart
    • also kids are smart and teach them abouut depression (I call it sadness) and "habits". They will see the pattern and know what to do. BE honest at every stepmugwart
    • sorry if this is preachymugwart
    • Are there any help lines you can call and discuss the situation with? They might be more qualified in giving you advice and options as they deal with it more.Nutter
    • Be a man. Support her, look after her, teach her the right path. Cultivate the marriage into a great marriage. Men don't give up on others.robthelad
    • yeah "be a man" that always works :-|kingsteven
    • be good to yourself dude, we'll never have control over our lives and others, it's all relative to your state of mind make sure and take time for yourself, andkingsteven
    • make sure you have enough emotional perspective to rationalise such a decision...kingsteven
    • # 2 = she sinks deeper, the kids taken away by social servicesdrgs
    • ^ yeah thismugwart
    • codependency definedimbecile
    • sometimes we are bad for people, even when we're trying to be good to them. Staying allows her to deflect responsibility for her actions. #2 if not #4monNom
    • yeah @steven that's all I said. Basically you have to help others before yourself, especially if you love them.robthelad
    • Yeah fuck all that “real man” garbage thats drummed into our heads. Just another toehold for emotional blackmail.cannonball1978
    • @rob being a man has very little to do with a volition to help others before yourself, and it seems kony may have exhausted such an approach to his detriment.kingsteven
    • not saying that phrase doesn't have it's uses... like if your mates off his box and your trying to get him in a taxi at the end of a night.kingsteven
    • I'm afraid you are now suffering and need therapy, you need to sort yourself out, bring in her family to help and choose #2. Be strong going to take time 2 recorobotron3k
    • For you to recoverrobotron3k
    • you are fucked , mate. start your life oversince1979
    • You need to focus on:
      1. You
      2. Kids

      No more damage brother. No more. Get the fuck out before the whole ship sinks.      dibec
    • Horrible decision but to me #2, get your own head together before trying to help someone else's. Good luck mate.WhiteFace
    Show [[ numHiddenNotes ]] more notesAdd Note
    SaveCancel

View thread