Video Games...
Out of context: Reply #3060
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- face_melter1
Herein lies a PSA for those miserable twisters out there who are thinking of indulging in the sick, almost criminal, activity of buying Mass Effect: Andromeda. Because I know some of you fuckers are. Don't lie to me - I can smell it. And even if you aren't - take these words as clumsily thrown-together and incoherent advice.
By the power pumped into me by alcohol and erect Cosmic Jesus, I warn you, not of indulging your fantasies and creating a character that looks like the girl at the coffeeshop or the friend you used to work with who looks like a blonde version of Françoise Hardy and every time you see her your heart melts. No. Society may judge you harshly, even punish, but I won't deprive you of those natural, human, urges. Just keep it quiet, boy - it's only weird if you make it weird, right?
What I warn against is simpler - to avoid buying this upon release. Life is fleeting and if you choose to spend money on videogames for your only source of happiness, then fucking own that shit.
In pursuit of some kind of floppy, human-shaped dildo aesthetic Bioware not Bioware have transformed the entire space saga into what now resembles the bastard result of when an episode of Terrahawks goes on the prowl full of wine and bubbling sexual menace and picks up a colour episode of Lost In Space from a street corner (NOT the peerless B/W episodes. Black and White LiS would never concern itself with talking carrots and silver-skinned space bitches - Allen lost his fucking mind with colour tv. Land of The Giants was some future-level shit though). Ahem. Right. Civil chit-chat done with and a price agreed, both go back to a decent motel and FUCK with a ferocity and volume that even the gods in Olympus think that someone is tearing the legs off a dog and call the cops.
The groundwork laid down by the previous three games, whether you like them or not, was a thrilling ride in the armoured pants of Shepard - a gleaming, galaxy-hopping, pan-sexual, robot-destroying fuck machine who had no trouble eradicating entire civilisations if it meant that she could get a handful of Yeoman Kelly Chambers. And by Christ she did. Until they were both sore. Evil was defeated blah blah blah and the galaxy collectively sighed in relief as Shepard became one with the universe and was transformed into some kind of flame-haired sexpot consciousness who had her eye on *everything* and *everyone*. Especially Kelly's gorgeous, pert, breasts and lithe dancers body and mainly when she showered. Watching as Kelly massaged the soap into her toned thighs, feeling the bubbles glide down to her toes. Eyes closed, her hands gently drift across her stomach towards... Fucking hell. Stop. Everything was right with the galaxy, totally cool - kids played in the sunshine-covered streets again, old folk danced with new-found youth, DFS had their sofas back on sale, The Strokes decided to kill themselves, and the Reaper's inert bodies were turned into glittering shopping malls and hollowed out to use as storage for ALL. THE. DEAD. BODIES.
Now we have a group of sexless potato head misfits who are bumpy in all the wrong places - with motion capture apparently taken from Bill and Ben and Gerry Anderson. This collection of waxwork atrocities travel the far-flung reaches of who-the-fuck-cares in their Lidl Normandy whip, on some desperate attempt to save humanity. But hold the fucking space phone! Shepard did exactly that in the previous three outings while these goofballs were in hypersleep, so the Andromeda team are basically surplus to requirements now. Why should we even care what fucking bizarre space nonsense they get up to? We could have cared if Bioware not Bioware had avoided completely fucking the whole thing sideways and turned what could potentially have been an interesting reboot into a parade of tawdry action encounters starring a cast of glassy-eyed sex dolls devoid of any worthwhile characterisation. We could have loved the new characters, we could have sat gripped as their grand adventure played out but no, what we have are mouths trying to escape from faces and dialogue with all the emotional impact of a shit-filled water balloon exploding on the face of a corpse.
Look. What i'm saying is that the game is a fucking nonsense and a piss stain on the ME games. The whole sorry affair smells like it was abandoned, restarted, and thrown together at the last minute because EA threatened to have everyone and their families boiled down into glue if it didn't ship on time. I'll still buy it and play it because i'm a silly cunt but that doesn't mean you have to. And for the love of fucking throbbing cock Jesus, don't buy Horizon Zero Dawn as a replacement - that thing should be fucking destroyed - more on that particular videogame prolapse later.
BRB. Thinking of Kelly Chambers in the shower.
- Im glad I read that.Al_dizzle
- is EA even fucking serious with this pile of shit?mekk
- Horizon Zero Dawn is pretty great that made this rant irrelevant!ernexbcn
- I am completely engrossed with HZD...MrT
- i just watched 2 hours of horizon zero dawn. man i want a console. gaming has gotten so goodjaylarson
- Not one of my best, I grant you. But I stand by saying Horizon is a bad game. Pretty, yes but oh so incredibly boring.face_melter
- It is an amalgam of all the worst things about games today. Hand holding for everything, no discovery whatsoever, map blocked until you move the story.face_melter
- You are given this amazing looking world and you can only explore the parts they allow you to. You can't even fucking climb unless there are yellow handholds.face_melter
- Not to mention the almost non-existent story, flat characters, and turgid dialogue.face_melter
- you are the only person I know that has played it that doesn't like it, I'm just at 20% or something and really enjoying iternexbcn
- I like bits of it - the combat is decent but the game itself is mediocre. Turn on your View-o-Vision to look for clues! No, fucko, let me look for myself.face_melter
- Sorry, but that Carrot man who turned Dr. Smith into a stalk of celery is way better than the black and white episodes of Lost in Space.CyBrainX
- http://farm3.static.…CyBrainX
- Get out. You're fucking dead to me.face_melter
- +since1979
- I still like Horizon as well, no matter how much effort you put into your profanity. Soz.MrT