2013 QBN Story Time
Out of context: Reply #13
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- GeorgesIV0
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A GLOBAL WARNING FROM THE UNITED NATIONS, 2013The following is a redacted document originally submitted to the U.N. council by their diplomat for Global Climate Research. It has since been discovered by an American intern at a foreign consulate and spread virally through Wikileaks by an internet group known as The Midnight Society.
To the U.N. Council:
Before this information travels from here to everywhere – reddit to Walmart – you need to please heed this, my final warning. As of August, 2013, the [redacted] will no longer have funding to close off the two proof positive sites of the world’s deadliest threat. I’m told they are to be tourist attractions.
As I have mainly spent the last few months at ground zero with pathologists and the top scientific minds our money could fund (that is until we, too, ran out), it has been my decision to abandon posthaste. My family and I have been in [redacted] for nearly a month, as it is a place where we are safe...for now. Several of the pathologists and top minds came with me and we continue our fight against the Adam Parasite.
As my many months of screaming about imminent danger have somehow failed to garner an audience, I will briefly describe what you are in for:
As this year has been exceptionally warm, just as twelve of the last fifteen have been the hottest on record, it is safe to assume that the [redacted] got a bit warm by June of this year. Wrong. Unlike last year, the waters had reached the perfect temperature for this parasite’s gestation in early May. It was ahead of schedule. The microparasite is really just an overly complicated bacteria, which is what makes it unique. It has individual stages, beginning with a hibernation in the low beds of the lake where it’s coldest. This is also why it has been hidden to us for so long. Our data suggests this parasite has lived at the bottom of [redacted] for centuries, maybe even millennia. But as the water heats even just a fraction of a degree Celsius – which is new for this habitation – it sort of knocks it loose. Now it’s like an embryo at the bottom of the lake and as it surfaces, it’s at a gestational phase. Fish eat it, birds eat the fish, animals eat the fish, and nothing really happens as it never reaches the end of the phase. And the rest die by the change in temperature early-fall. As we isolated it and prodded it, we could see where it was headed – like a flower that, when it blooms, your brain melts. Not many have bloomed but they haven’t bloomed yet because they haven’t had ample time to mature, which only takes a slight bit of adaptation. Things like this don’t take much time. Nature doesn’t often make the same mistake, a sort of dime-store interpretation of Darwin.
This year, I expect that the Adam Parasite will finish its gestational phase sometime early-to-mid August, thus becoming an incredible danger to public health. This will be a time where the [redacted] sees sporadic violence, first local to the northeast and then kind of spread out in the area. You’ll get a few in distant spots, tourists that take it home with them. It looks white, like a tiny white fuzzy with a miniature contact lens in the center, maybe a third the size of a penny. It’s a great disguise because it looks like it could have fallen out of a tree when you see it floating on water. And they pop up in pairs, not a hundred at once but a dozen or so. It’ll be easy to take home, which will make the Adam Parasite quite happy as it does much better in the air during its final stage.
The sporadic violence will seem odd, peculiar, random. To many it will look like the zombie apocalypse, as the breakdown of the brain often leads to violent hallucination. It will actually be...pretty close to the zombie apocalypse, now that I think about it. Your brain will melt, yes, but it takes many hours which will vary from person to person. Our testing of this has been on animals thus far – felines have worked best in mimicking our nervous system’s response – but we do have a fair gauge of the initial outbreak. It will continue to adapt further after it spreads and our crystal ball only sees as far as the money we threw at it. We do know that it will begin as airborne in nature and that it will be communicable but to what degree, we just don’t know. We hypothesize a high number of reproduction.
The initial outbreak will begin in the [redacted] and it may thrive a bit toward [redacted] early in the season but it will definitely make a beeline for [redacted] and it will destroy everything in its path. [redacted] and [redacted] are gone within a month, before this has even begun to adapt to spread faster. Animals will carry it. People will spread it. Densely populated areas will go first.
I’ll leave you with the symptoms, so you know when you see it coming. When you’re in the first stage, it will start with sweating, a raise in heartbeat, and a few distinctly flu-like symptoms might follow. You won’t know exactly when you enter the second stage because your brain won’t know the difference, like when you think a dream is real. This will be when you hallucination and attack everyone, the person behind you and next to you and your family and your friends and anyone around, any way you can. By this point you’re running a fever of 107 so your brain is overheating and you are stuck in a PCP-like crazy overdrive. In the last stage, you physically melt to death. Your blood becomes slightly acidic as the lining of your intestines disintegrate and things like bile end up in your bloodstream. Your blood, I should mention, takes on a black hue. During the third stage, you’ll see a lot of it as it tends to just pour continuously out of the mouth and nose and ears and eyes, anywhere there’s a hole in your body. Think about that a moment, then think about how the integumentary system isn’t strong enough to house your acidic blood so your skin dissolves from your bones in patches that bleed black. Most likely you’ll already be dead as the ole’ noggin has cooked like a broiler but I have a feeling that some people will live into the stage where they walk around melting off parts of their body in black goo.
As always, I thank you for your time but, alas, I tender my resignation. Good luck and go [redacted] yourselves, you sons of [redacted].
[signature redacted] U.N. Global Climate Researcher