Filter

After reading an article in the New York Times about it, I went searching for one these websites where the Eastern European mail-order bride pays you up to 20,000 dollars to marry them so they can get a geen card. You have to spend mad time with them in order to be able to take the intensive marriage test, but whatever. I decided that this was my new dough scheme. Being that I blew my paychecks on dust, mixtapes, and quiche, I had to find someone with the capital to pay the initial fees, which include her plane ticket, and a 500$ fee to the agency for hooking us up. My man Kojo steps in (a drunken mess at the time) and gives me his credit card to get the wheels moving. One catch: he gets to pick her from the website. I veto, knowing he'll choose a 50 year old Polish woman with dental issues, and we agree to compromise. We settle on her:

He paid 1,500 to make this dream happen. She's coming on Friday, to my man's house (we used his address), and it's going be to so gangster/ ackward. I guess I'm getting married. I need that money baby. She has no idea what she's in for.

Her bio: Name: Natalia
Date of birth: the 5th of February, 1982
Age: 23
Height: 170 cm ~ 5ft 6"
Weight: 53 kg ~ 116 lb
Eye color: Hazel
Hair color: Fair
Build body: Slim
Education: University
Profession: Artist, teacher
Occupation: Office-manager
Smokes: No
Zodiac: Aquarius
Marital status: single

Languages:
English: Level 1, Very little knowledge, needs all letters translated.

In own words: I have a sweet temper. I am a phlegmatic person. I am a kind, responsive, well-bred and tactful jawn. I like listening to the music, drawing, having rest in the countryside, cooking and also I adore to socialize with my friends. I don't like to argue and I don't like to wake up early in the morning.

Seeks Partner: I would like to meet a kind, tender, attractive, courageous, well-bred, well-educated, cultural man who I will be able to rely on in any situation.

Seeks Partner: 23 - 45 years old

Her location: Vinnitsa, Ukraine
--------------------------------... Part II:

One week ago a drunken joke officially went wrong.

Awaking from a long night of Jameson and pills, Friday morning at 9 am I get a call from my man that the Ukranian bride is at his house, with her handler (he tells me that the dude's ponytail is epic, a la Segal). Laughing hysterically he tells me it's not the woman from the picture and that she's far dumpier. I light a Virgina Slim menthol light 100 and head over to his place.

It was so ackward.

-She speaks no english
-Her attitude is terrible (which im starting to enjoy, hearing her scream on the phone at people in the eastern bloc is hilarious) -She smells like lentils
-She looks NOTHING like that petite little blonde in the picture. if I was dirtbag who ordered a wife off the internet and got duped like that, I'd be wilding. But I could care less. -She has a Polo Sport bubble coat from like '98 that is epic.
-She chain smokes like somebody's scummy uncle.
-She has worn white jeans 3 out of the 5 days i've seen her. I'm feeling that. hard.

Her handler, who speaks english, tells me that she has an aunt who lives in Brighton beach, and she's going to stay with her sometimes.

The first night together I take her to a bar on Aveune D where i smoke a joint with a tranny and then force her to watch "Back to the future II", in english. She apparently hates both. Sleeps in the guest room, makes it reek of Lentils and Grade B tobacco.

I wake up Saturday morning at 10 to the sounds of pots and pans clanging around.She's cooking a steak that I had in my freezer. She eats it for breakfast, offers me nothing. Too wild.

Since then we went to a pool party together (she chain smoked for 3 hours), and she watched me cook some rock and smoke it. I think she hates me.

Monday she starts school to learn english, monday night i'm going to put liquid MDMA in her beverage and see wha'happppppens.

I'm going to start being naked in front of her all the time, she will be so stank.

How do i add pics (pics or STFU) from my computer and not a website? She's such a dingdong, she smiles in all the pics like we're a couple. I love it.

The updates will continue......

9191Comments

digitalswarm