Something too personal.

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  • mtthwsms

    Why I’m giving up Big Alcohol.

    I’ll preface this by saying, Despite my play on Don Draper’s letter to “Big Tobacco” this is going to be very personal. I’ll probably end up insulting you in someway if you continue to read this. I will not be aiming to be grammatically correct in this letter. So please focus all your hate-mail and the like to what I write, not how I write it. You see I think better when I write. So this is mostly for me. I’ve published it to simply give people I love insight as to why I act, the way I act, sometimes. To some this will mean nothing. To others it will mean something. Most likely those of you who think you know me well. This is not one of my print articles, this means much more.

    I admit it. In the past haven’t felt much. I’ve always been accused of being “cold” by most people who’ve ever loved me. It isn’t something I do on purpose, for a lack of better words, it is just how I’m programed. Despite that, last night I felt so many different feelings, all bad, all unexplainable. I won’t go into too much detail, they know who they are, but a human being I love drank alcohol last night. I was unaware until I smelt it on their breath when they spoke.

    At that time my brain systematically started feeling emotions that I didn’t think I was capable of or proud of. I HATE a lot. I HATE for what most people see as the most meaningless things. When I smelled the alcohol it was as if I was instantly changed. Despite not wanting to be. My mood, my mindset, my body, everything in me changed into just the most negative and hateful being.

    I like being in control. I pride myself in always being in control of my situations. This has intensified beyond my (wait for it...) control since I’ve decided who I want to spend the rest of my life with and to have three children. I grew up “straight-edge”. For those who don’t know that means you don’t do drugs and you don’t drink. (by my definition) I have drank. I have never partook in drugs. In the past 3 or so years I’ve clearly cooled on the alcohol hatred. I had to.

    You see when you feel like I do, and you HATE something that so many human beings do, you risk that you will alienate your friends and family. For instance there is no telling how long My best friend and brother-in-law drank before I knew. You risk that people will not share their selfs completely with you because of your judgements or socially awkward morals. Something I’ve been told a lot recently that hurts me. I hate that people cannot tell me everything they want to because the way I feel (or don’t feel).

    I’ve always been one to act confident and sure of myself and I am those things in my normal comfort zone. I am not those things when taken out of the bubble I prefer to live in. I get scared. I told you this would get personal. I’ve never really been one to have irrational fears and uncontrollable fits of rage. Thankfully my mind has reserved these for my 20’s. I admit that I probably don’t love the way most humans do. In my mind the only way I can make sense of it is that when most people love something they love it 100%. I feel like when I love something to the highest possible power of my heart, despite it being all that I feel, It is as if it is 60% of a normal human beings 100%. Does that make any sense to you? Eh, it does to me. This is all very new to me. This new, personal depth, if you will. It is all new. Not to be completely cliche and ridiculously stupid but, It is as if my heart is unthawing from my father, from my great grand parents that stunted my emotional grown when I was younger. I’ve been feeling feelings most people feel when they are teenagers. That part of my life wasn’t nearly as traumatic as a lot of human beings. There are people who have gone through things that make all this stupid and pointless bitching. But this is selfish and about me.

    I’ve had a good life, an amazing raising. (as we say around here. Yee haw.) I feel like I was raised very well. I’ve just learned that what parents do is only 67% of what makes up a person when their grown and that now scares me to death. You see I’m just trying to make sense. Flawed as it may be this is how my mind works, I’m asking you, as the ones I love, to accept it.

    I think less of people, a lot. Not for reasons most people do. I think less of people for trivial things. How many tribal crosses and skulls they have on their shirt. Ready to be pissed off? Even you? I think people who have a religion simply lack the strength and moral gaul to accept the fact that when you die there is nothing (just like before you were born) and that you don’t need a man who lives sky to judge you so that you are a good person.

    Alcohol (and drugs which I just don’t tolerate no matter who you are) takes you out of control. It makes you “loosen up”. It takes care of your social imperfections or makes you forget. Don’t drink or get people drunk so that you can have sex. Work out, treat the person right, and accept it when it happens. Don’t drink because you have marital problems. Your just throwing shit on top of shit. Talk about it and make real changes to yourself or get a divorce. Sounds really preachy doesn’t it? Am I saying I’m better than you, no. But you are taking it that way, which is natural.

    You, you know who you are; When I smelled it on your breath it disgusted me. I liken it to a primal feeling we all have at some point. I wanted to get away from you so far. I know it is mean, it is just how I felt. I’ll be honest, I look down on it. I’ve never met a bigger crutch in my life than alcohol. I’ve never seen something turn so many people into such vile things. In the end it is just a liquid but it holds so much power of so many and they don’t even realize it.

    So many people have died because of it. I was riding one time with a friend of mine and almost got into a wreck. Directly after it happened I had a panic attack and had to be in control. I had to be. I made them pull the car over and let me drive for the rest of the day. I couldn’t risk it. Sure, everything was probably going to be fine. However, I was going off the deep end in my brain and I had to be in control.

    There is nothing, absolutely nothing worth losing control. I’ll be honest, I think less of you if you are willing to drink yourself to a point where you can’t make proper decisions. I feel bad for the people you love. It's like you are saying, Hey I love you but right now I need to get “fucked up”. Now clearly some of us have less of a family or responsibility because you only have to look after yourself. However those of us who do have a close family, wives, husbands, people we care for greatly, how do you justify it? How do you say I’m going to lose control and increase my chances of something bad happening, albeit death or not, so you can have fun? If it goes wrong, and something happens, think of how how hurt your loved ones will feel. Not only because they lost you, but they lost you to something so insanely stupid and worthless. I don’t see how people do it. I don’t care who you are, I don’t see how you do it. I’m alienating myself, but I just don’t care anymore. Maybe I take this to an extreme and I take it way to seriously. Either way, it is how I take it. But if I were in trouble or in a situation where my dying or living was up to me there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do.

    Think of the worst thing a person could do to you. The worst feeling you’ve ever felt. Now multiply it by 100. I would feel that forever, that worst feeling, just so I could hear one of my daughters murmur a meaningless word. I know I'm in the wrong. I feel bad for the people who chose to be around me. I have these stupid rules, ideas, and restrictions. When I don’t like something I point it out, make them feel like shit, and they say “that is unrealistic” and I say “well, no because I do it.” I guess I just think about what I’m putting at risk before I do things. I have no stats or research to back me up. I just don’t care if it 0.5% more of a risk I won’t do it. I’ve been given too much, despite not deserving it. My wife, my kids, my mother, my brother, my backche. Nothing is worth losing control. Nothing can replace those people.

    Even when the risk is small. Nothing is worth losing what I have. In the end we all die and none of this matters, right? For whatever reason we’re here and however long it we’re here for, it does matter. After all though, Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I do love correctly. Maybe my 60%, of your 100%, is stronger. After all, I’m not the one drinking.

    1,649 words,
    Matthew Sims

  • moniker0

    tl;dr


  • CanHasQBN0

  • CanHasQBN0

  • d_rek0

    • something about magic, fluid dynamics, & physics... Why won't it fill up?!?!albums
  • DaveO0

    Got any Es?

  • moniker0


  • d_rek0

    No offense but you sound like a real dickhead.

  • waterhouse0

    I didn't read the whole thing. But, you misspelled "programmed."

    • I'm actually surprised it took 9 posts to for the first one of these.mtthwsms
  • dasohr0

    Time for a Bud.

  • albums0

    what I take from your paragraphs of unread text is everyone who drinks is a dick now that you don't drink because you were a dick?

  • CygnusZero40

    Jesus, you experience all that from drinking? I get really horny, friendly and funny when I drink. That's about it. I dont get violent, and will even stand up to violent people to calm them down when Im drunk. You just sound like a pain in the ass. Relax dude.

  • mtthwsms0

    <------ whew, I need a drink....?

    hahaha

    • Just drink and dont be so uptight or a dickhead. It's not that hard.CygnusZero4
  • JackRyan0

    Hahahahahahaha...haven't happened upon a thread like this in a while.

  • qoob0

    Wow. Just wow

  • Horp0

    For fuck's sake man, shut the fuck up. You make no sense and you're a sanctimonious bore.

    • I stuck my flag in around paragraph three then retired gracefully from the challenge of reading any more.Horp
    • A what bore? New word for me.CygnusZero4
  • JG_LB0

  • albums0

  • CALLES0

    cliff notes on this?

    • Some guy disapproves of drinking and Cygnus04 learned a new word today.Horp
    • No I didnt. You never explained what it meant. -___-CygnusZero4
    • Once I get a definition Im going to fix myself a drink in celebration of this new knowledge.CygnusZero4
    • okCALLES
  • kona0

    Why I’m giving up Big Alcohol.

    I don't like it.

    4 words,
    Kona

  • CALLES0

    so did he wake up to two transexual fatties or something?