Joke of the Day
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- Projectile3
yo momma so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had finished!
Sorry to non UK people who will never get that
- lolset
- Riccckkkyyyynecromation
- LOLMrT
- hahaha - had to explain that to half my room!mugwart
- MrT0
Just viewed a house for sale filled entirely with mirrors.
I thought, I can really see myself living here.
- yurimon-6
Q: How do you calculate a Liberals illogical reactions to facts?
A: Easy you use Triggerednometry
- autoflavour2
Without a nipple, a boob has no point
- yurimon-5
Q. What holiday do socialists celebrate every year to honor the cultural tradition of harvesting souls?
A: Taxgiving
- Drumpf4
- i guess you are the joke cause hes looking at your user name.yurimon
- Fucking YurinalDrumpf
- He's looking at all the threads on the left.Maaku
- ok so he thinking your posts are a waste of time and and like these wankers cant even make bank posting.yurimon
- Jokes in bad tasteBusterBoy
- is no fucking thread safe from this shitscarabin
- Why is yuri responding like this was aimed at him?monospaced
- apparently yuri is still on QBN 1.0moldero
- scarabin1
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."
- scarabin7
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
- - Mike Tyson!GeorgesII
- tee ha!docpoz
- haha!! thomewhat thilly ..and thmart.chukkaphob
- Too soon.BK
- scarabin1
A Roman man walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."
- ...and an order of your greeceiest friesprophetone
- how about he crosses his arms and says"gimme 10"!capn_ron
- lol ronscarabin
- BusterBoy0
Bought some nice flavoured condoms the other week. Told my wife when we were in bed the other day to which she enthusiastically dived under the covers...she popped up a minute later and asked 'honey, were they cheese or onion flavour'. I replied 'not sure. Haven't brought them in from the car yet'.
- chukkaphob4
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
- good one.oey
- desperado?inteliboy
- ^ This, but its always good to hear it told different ways. As my english teacher told me after I told the joke in front of the whole class. :)sofakingback
- +1terry_cloth
- GeorgesII-6
A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"
5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".- You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie._niko - What about you dad? Fuck you. No dad...cannonball1978
- #DentureDonaldGuyFawkes
- You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
- drgs0
http://mathoverflow.net/question…
"Levi-Civita was teaching a course in a room on (what Americans call) the second floor of a building. One day, as a prank, his students "borrowed" a donkey from one of the fruit vendors on the street in front of the building. Somehow, they brought this donkey up the stairs into the lecture hall and had it standing there as Levi-Civita entered to begin his lecture. Levi-Civita set his notes down on the lectern, looked up at the class, commented "I see we have one more today," and proceeded with his lecture."
- drgs2
When the logician Carnap was immigrating to the US, he had the usual consular interview, where one of the questions was (and still is, I think): "Would you favor the overthrow of the US government by violence, or force of arms?". He thought for a while, and responded: "I would have to say force of arms..."
- nb-2
Here is a good one
http://tinyurl.com/6dftxn- i see what you did therepockets
- http://qbn.todayimbecile
- No? No?nb
- CALLES0
"Don't doubt me on this. A lot of people think that all of us used to be gorillas, and they're looking for the missing link out there. The evolution crowd. They think we were originally apes... If we were the original apes, then how come Harambe is still an ape, and how come he didn't become one of us?"
-Rush Limbaugh
- GeorgesII0
My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
All in all, a good night.
- GeorgesII0
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.