Dad Advice Thread

Out of context: Reply #30

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  • mugwart3

    Anyone got any tips on how not to fuck up your kid when your divorced?

    My kid is suffering and I'm doing all I can for him, he's a fucking trooper but is genuinely sad. I suffer depression and I'm seeing the early stages of it in him. We talk open about 'sadness' but everything is on my shoulders to sort out (ex gives a narcissistic fuck at the best of times). I have no family to help out either.

    I brought a Xmas tree and we are spending next week making decorations. Star Wars the following week and I have saved up for some massive Lego set for present. Yet I feel these are only superficial things.

    Any tips/pointers.

    • (would take him to see help but I dont want him medicated through life and also I'm a struggling with money)mugwart
    • That's heavy, so sorry. Only thing I could say is concentrate on the positives. Like Mom and Dad won't yell at each other anymore, Two Xmass, two birthdays.eryx
    • My parents divorced after I left but they were miserable together, They should have done it years ago but thought they were doing the best for the kids.eryx
    • They were not doing the best for us and they basically lived separate lives in the same house. When they finally got divorced they were both so happy!eryx
    • As a product of divorce myself (i was 8) I can say therapy helps. But also, I appreciate that my mother brought a dependable step dad into my life a year later.shellie
    • it seemed fast to me when I was younger, but realize as an adult my parents had begun separating when I was in 1st grade. My step dad was the best thing thatshellie
    • what you have to do is get the divorce straight with you and the wife and make the progression to your new life as smooth as possible for all of you...uan
    • ever happened to me. I would NOT bring women around him that aren't committed for the long haul to co parent with you. People leaving can be traumatic.shellie
    • consider getting professional help and advice for this. once you enter 'normal' new life you can just be dad again, just love your kid and be there for him.uan
    • I write this, because I think you are trying to compensate the loss for the kid with stuff and even if it might be cool for a moment, you don't fix the problem.uan
    • I also think you are having the right instinct by taking time to spend with the kid. that's basically all he needs. most of all he probably misses you.uan
    • Thanks all. My new partner is brilliant & brings a lot to the table for him.
      I'll see what is around my area for help.

      Thanks all you kick arse
      mugwart
    • Thats fantastic you have a new partner to help - another voice can be instrumental. Hopefully you get some help man. I went through the same 2 years ago and nowpedromendez
    • find that happiness for kids can be found in the smallest things. Finding something they love doing and enjoying that with them is amazing. Keep it up man :)pedromendez
    • thanks pedromendez, the best things we do is just wonder around London. Been teaching him how to navigate around the city!mugwart
    • There's help without medication. Not all therapists medicate. See one yourself so you keep your head on straight. Love the fuck out of him.jtb26
    • Go see something. Movies are good. Wonders of the world are good too. hikes, museums, arcades. You care. things will hold together. <3jtb26
    • thanks jtb26. I do all those above. I'll save my pennies and get him to see help.mugwart
    • decorations are cool, but learning how to bake cookies is a lifelong skill—make cookies together! :Djaylarson
    • All kids really want is your time and attention. Crack that and you're golden. Damn hard though. Good luck.monoboy
    • Someone once told me that their parents divorced when they were young. Their mom struggled to keep shit together financially, bought them christmas gifts, etc...Gucci
    • but the thing they remembered the most vividly is their mom randomly taking a day off work and taking them for a picnic to the park.Gucci
    • As others have said, time and attention. Find moments together and HAVE the fuck out of them.Gucci
    • I'm going through a separation. Kills to hear my 3 y/o cry because "she misses daddy". We're all just floating around figuring shit out here together.Gucci
    • I'm in the same position, i got a 3 years old son. I don't know how to explain it to him yet. I'll probably do has soon has i know where i'm gonna live next.ApeRobot
    • It breaks my heart that i'm not gonna see him everyday....that is worst than the separation itself.ApeRobot
    • Don't miss the mum in front of him no matter how bad she is. That way no good lies.detritus
    • sorry to hear I'm not alone out there. It sucks. I dont knock the mum in front of him. I'e told him that I'll tell him the truth one day when hes old enough butmugwart
    • to realise that I was very sick at his mums place and couldnt take the fighting anymore. That I'm a better father now I can be me. But fuck its heart wrenchingmugwart
    • I dropped him off came back and weptmugwart
    • Whatever you do, don't talk shit about his mom. Try to keep your relationship with her sane, for the kid. Nothing hurts more than seeing parents hate eachothersea_sea
    • I hated my mom for talking shit on my dad, I loved him. Kids aren't marriage counselors.sea_sea
    • I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I would just say to shower your son with love and do things that make you both happy. Bike rides. Play outside.kona
    • Go for walks to the park. Or learn a new hobby, like fishing. Maybe take up a painting class together? Anything for the both of you to occupy your timekona
    • focusing on the good so your brain won't drown in the bad. Your bad mood and sorrow will project to your son.kona
    • For you, I highly recommend the headspace app. If you can't afford the price, message me. I'll send you an apple gift card to pay for it.kona
    • I went through a rough patch in 2015 and came a signature away from divorce. We have 3 children. The headspace app will help you find your center,kona
    • relax, focus, and overall feel positive and better about things. I still meditate once a day for about 15 minutes. Stay strong buddy.kona
    • Thanks kona, really kind of you. I've been trying to do yoga daily. Been helping loads. 3 kids -- that sucks. Hope your okay now.mugwart
    • Yeah man, thankfully we were able to work through it and our marriage is better and stronger than ever. Let me know if I can help.kona
    • glad it worked out for the bestmugwart

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